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I saw something today that made my day stop. I had to compose this article. It was something that I was not expecting, but something that I needed to express my feelings for. No, it was not the fact that Wrath of God finally received the big flying elbow from the top rope. No, it is not the fact that Ball Lightning returned… again. It is the [TEASE! ~ Keep reading for more. Don’t you hate when other sites leave you with this click me to read entire article?] I am sitting here going through the M10 list finally. The only reason that I am only reading it now is because I caught Drathro’s blog headline in my RSS feed talking about Wrath of God not being reprinted and how aggro should happy as can be. Intrigued by this turn of events, I decide that I needed to take a break from my normal routine and check out what the actual set consists of. I begin sorting the list out, alphabetically - starting from the top, and away I go. I see a few nice-and-tasties that give me the itch to play again (nothing new there). I then come across Earthquake and I laugh to myself, "Wow, so White gets the shaft and Red gets a king back eh? I always knew Red was the best. (Pun…)" I continue traversing the list, clicking over to page two, when I come across my old buddy Fireball. Another chuckle and I think, "Hell, all I need now is Lightning Bolt and it will be like the old Ice Age era all over again. I hope they reprinted Incinerate. Knowing Wizards though… I am probably stuck with Shock again. I mean, I did get Earthquake back…"
So I move on. I see the new Blue Djinn that finally gives Air Elemental a second ability. Racking my brain, I try to remember if I saw Air Elemental in the A’s but I can’t remember. Oh, by the way, have you guys met Haunting Echoes yet? Haunting Echoes, meet the guys. Guys, meet your doom! Echoes with Duress? Yikes. Ice Age part two indeed! … Look Hypnotic Specter... again. What exactly is Wizards trying to do here? I click to the next page and see a few more interesting cards, but nothing as ‘shocking’ to me as what I discover on page five. What I found on page five made me stop what I was doing and write this article. My browser is still sitting on page five right now. I know nothing and care nothing about what is on the next five pages. It is all irrelevant to me. I don’t even care if the “M’s” include five Moxes. I don’t even care if the “T’s” include Timetwister and Time Walk. That is not important to me. If you have followed my writings here at MDV for any amount of time, you will know that I have had one major beef. I had an opportunity to interview Mark Rosewater not too long ago and I really wanted to ask him about this major beef, but I thought that yelling in his ear, “WHERE THE [censored for your innocence] IS MY LIGHTNING BOLT!? GIVE ME BACK MY [censored again one more time]ING LIGHTNING BOLT!!” Lo and FREAKING behold! What to my wandering eyes should appear but a twinkle in my eye and sparkling grin on my face. If there were ever a time where I would want to come back and school some noobs in Magic, it is now my friends, because it's back… dear friends, it is back. Lightning Bolt is [censored…. Children…] back!!!
Now I can counter your creatures for one Red. Now I can kill you from six life with two Red mana. Now I can say one of my most favorite lines of all time again, “At the end of your turn, Bolt you and Bolt your guy.” The world is almost at balance again my friends. We are almost there. I can see a place in time where all things return into their proper alignment. A time where old players kick the crap out of the newer wanna be players, and reclaim the throne that is rightfully ours; a time where noobs cried to the heavens because the game is unfair. No… not unfair. Life is not fair, and neither should Magic be fair. Take a Bolt in the face for your time! Here, take another Bolt because I am such a nice guy. Take two Bolts at the end of your turn because you are the opponent, and Bolt your freaking Birds of Paradise because that is what Bolts were born to do. Congratulations to Wizards of the Coast for making me want to dance in the streetz (pun again!) and more importantly, making me want to buy a pack of cards again. Before I end my article, since it is so short, let me quickly scan the rest of the set, and oogle and oagle, however, I highly doubt anything will bring me to jubilation as much as Lightning Bolt returning does. Below the breakline are my thoughts as I scan the rest of the list.
Hi Magma Phoenix, nice of you to be a recurrable Earthquake. Mirror of Fate… Woah! Has anyone abused you with this yet? Yay… Pithing Needle again... ... ... Planar Cleansing... Oh, I see what they are doing with Wrath. Make Akroma’s Vengeance a little worse by removing Cycle and just erase Wrath. Awesome! Earthquake, Lightning Bolt, AND Pyroclasm? No wonder they got rid of Wrath. Who needs it. Drathro, don’t think Aggro is going to go berserk because Wrath went away, we will just play Red instead of White, OK? Don’t worry your head. Yes! Runeclaw (GRIZZLY) Bear. Why did you do that? Just reprint Grizzly Bears. Sign in Blood... thanks. If Sphinx Ambassador didn’t cost 14 million mana to cast, he would be good. Did you know that Swamp was printed in every set known to man? Island too! Please... I beg you Wizards, stop printing Telepathy. I will give you Lightning Bolt back. I will even toss in Merfolk Looter, just stop printing it! Wow, I didn’t expect Tendrils of Corruption. What a nice curve ball. That is an interesting reprint choice. Is it just me, or is Underworld Dreams the most over hyped card ever? I remember it being so sought after back in the heyday, the Ice Age era I mean; then once it was reprinted, we all rejoiced and then stared at it... through the plastic of our trade binder. Thanks for coming back Icy Manipulator Jr. Veteran Armorsmith + Veteran Swordsmith + Soldiers... I’ve
got it!! Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Let’s take a race, make them
very vanilla, then we will make these guys of the same race who add a point of
either attack or defense or some other cool ability (not themselves mind
you...), then we can laugh maniacally at those players who try this when their
opponent plays a Pyroclasm and wipes out their entire legion of crappy small
guys! (kobolds* anyone?) I never thought I would say this, but I am happy to see the ‘Wall Cycle’ (I just made that up, pretty good huh?). The last deck I attempted to make included a playset of me getting upset because there were no quality walls anymore to keep my head from getting broken open by quick beats. Seeing a revamped wall set is a nice touch. I could do with more Wall of Air quality walls and less Wall of Faith, but I will take what I can get. Warp World... see Telepathy rant above. I will toss in Haunting Echoes and Duress to get rid of Warp World.
That’s it! I’ve had it. Keep your packs of cards, I don’t want them anymore. Good thing too, because I am a Magic-a-holic and had you really drawn me in, I may have spent money on your product without end. Good thing I read the entire spoiler before drinking the wine and becoming addicted again. Ignore that part above about the reclaiming of the throne, you noobs can have it. I’ll look into tiddly-winks and badminton. Chris Newton
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Spotlights from 2009: |
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Lurking
Predators could be pretty bad for someone… *meek voice* “Cast my
Llanowar Elves” *brute voice* “FLIP TOP CARD!!! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!
Progenitus!, Bogardan Hellkite!, Darksteel Colossus!! ME WIN!!”
*Looks
again quickly through the set* ... ...Umm where are my land destruction
cards? Is this some kind of cruel joke?! Are you serious!!! You give me back
Lightning Bolt and rip from my grimy hands Stone Rain and its ilk? Oh wow!!
Thanks for the Yawning Fissure. Oooo, it kills more than one land... in
Multiplayer!