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Ryuzaki: See Mal, I told you some coffee would do you good... Maleficent: Coffee! Coffee coffee coffee, cappucino! JAVA! Ryu: Easy Mal... Mal: It's COFFEE TIME!! Ryu: No Mal, Coffee Time is over. Now it's time for another duel! Mal: A Duel of... Coffee? COFFEE TIME!!!! Ryu: Yes! Wait—NO! This time, we shall duel with... alternate formats! Director: Ok, cue epic music, pan out a bit, and--wait, what is this? I said EPIC music, EPIC. Not ELEVATOR music. Elevator music is NOT EPIC. You're fired. Get out of here. Go on, get. Can we get some epic music in here please? Now? *epic music plays* That's better! Ok, pan out some more, keep panning, more, more... MORE! There you go, aaaand CUT! Ryu: *unsheathes a sword* Mal: Ryu... Ryu: *smiles innocently* Mal: Put down the sword. Ryu: What are you talking about...? Mal: They told us if we killed any more commentators, we'd be fired. Ryu: But he's not a commentator! He's a director! Mal: Oh. Well. Carry on, then. Director: No, wait! Cut! CU— *wet, icky sounds, a crunch, and a thud* Ryu: He did say "cut." Mal: You're right about that.... Ryu: I feel better now. Ready for the DUEL?! Mal: Bring it! Wait, what are we doing? Ryu: DUELING! Mal: What sort of Duel?! Ryu: Um... Mal: Hm... Ryu: Er... Mal: Why'd you have to kill the director? Ryu: Why not?! Mal: I know!! Ryu: Seriously, you can't tell me you liked the guy... Mal: No, no—we'll ask Luther! Ryu: We'll ask him why we shouldn't have killed the director? Mal: To hell with the director! We'll ask him what we're doing! Ryu: Oh. OH! Mal: Yes! Ryu: You know what this means... Mal: Er, no I don't... Ryu: Adventure Time!! Mal: Wait, wait. *fiddles with something, and EPIC MUSIC begins playing* Ok, let's go! The two Brownie Duelists Extraordinaire head over to the dreaded Vampire Lord's abode, which is swathed in darkness even though the sun is highest in the sky. Sinister, gangly trees surround the ancient edifice, and hundreds of bats fly in every direction at the coming of the two titans. Ryu boldly steps forth... and knocks on the door. Ryu: Hey, Luther! Open up! A dreadful silence consumes Ryuzaki's call, smothers it, and leaves the two unanswered at Luther's door. Ryu: Now what? Mal: *kicks down the door* Ryu: It was unlocked... Mal: I know. Ryu: So why did you... Mal: Just 'cause. Ryu: *sighs* Well let's go in, we'll fix it later. The floor creaks ominously with each of the two intruders' footfalls as they blindly grope about in the darkness—darkness so opaque there are no limits as to what could be hiding just before their eyes.... Mal: Where's the bloody lightswitch? Ryu: Hey! That was my foot! Mal: Heh. What? That wasn't me! Ryu flips the lightswitch, revealing a flamboyantly decorated room dating back to the 16th century. Carvings of the most grotesque sort adorn the walls, and furniture resembling sepulchres are placed about the dark red floor. Tea cups filled with a similarly coloured liquid sit upon the finely detailed coffee table, picturing many men being torn to pieces by a vicious beast. Mal: Wow... such great feng shui. I just love what he's done with the place! Ryu: Yes. *Examines the tea* It's still warm. He must have left not long ago. Mal: Wow! Look at that upholstery! Ryu: Don't touch it! You already broke his door! Mal: Ryu: Hey, what's this? *Picks up a note and reads it aloud*
Hm, that's not like Luther at all... Mal: Yeah, what would a vampire be doing out in midday? Ryu: And getting blood? Wouldn't someone see him? Mal: You're right, and the language isn't like him at all. This is very suspicious... Ryu: Wait, what was it that Tynion said before...?
Mal: That's it!! Let's go! Ryu: Hey, what's our plan? We can't just go barging in! Mal: Yeah we can... Ryu: Oh, right. Let's go! Mal: *fiddles with something again, and EPIC MUSIC begins playing once more... which stops abruptly as the something breaks* DAMN IT TO HELL! *throws the something* Ryu: Just forget it— *EPIC MUSIC plays* Mal: Woohoo! Violence is the answer! Let's go! Mal and Ryu arrive at Tynion's place, and check the address to make sure they got it right. One of the numbers is hanging loose, but yes, it's Tynion's. The grass is obscenely overgrown, some weeds growing almost to obscure the shoddily boarded-up windows. The paint is peeling, the porch steps are cracked and falling apart, the roof has caved in, and the gangly, dying tree out front seems to be trying to claw its way out of the cursed yard. A paranoid fellow would think Tynion was trying to keep people out, and he would be right. Ryu: Wow. Mal: I know. Ryu: No, like, wow. Mal: Yeah. Ryu: It looks like... Mal: What? Ryu: It looks like a crack addict's place. Mal: *Tilts head and considers* Totally. Ryu: Alright, it's go time. Mal: DUDE! Ryu: What? Mal: That's what Tynion says! Ryu: ...So? Mal: That's like an 11 on the creep-factor scale. Ryu: Out of? Mal: 13.2. Ryu: My bad. Mal: Damn right it is.... Ok, on the count of three. One, two, th— Ryu: Wait! What's on the count of three? Mal: We're breaking in! Ryu: Got it. Mal: One, two, THREE! Mal rushes Tynion's door, which looks as if it's about to fall off its hinges, slams into it, and bounces off, falling on his ass. Ryu: Ahahahahaha! Mal: *grumbles* Ryu: *opens the door* Ready Maleeeeeeficent? Mal: *grumbles more and gets up* Sure, sure. And so the two heroes embark into the great unknown of Tynion's funny smelling abode— Mal: NO NOT THE FACE! [SMACK!] [CraCK!] [thud thud] Mal: Where are we? Ryu: Here. Mal: WHO AM I?! Ryu: A jerk... Mal: Oh. ... HEY! Some place far away, loud shouting is heard. A china plate shatters. Ryu: We must be in Tynion's... somewhere. Held captive I think. Mal: Bummer. Ryu: Well let's look around. Mal and Ryu explore the dank and funny smelling room of their captivity in the dark, finding many familiar objects. Mal: Is that a toilet? Ryu: I think so. Mal: Explains the smell. Ryu: Actually, that's coming from over here. In the corner of the room Ryu finds a decayed corpse, vintage 1998—excellent year, though awfully strong. Around it and scattered around the bathroom are various skeletons dating back as far as the 1400's. Eventually they stumble upon a mysterious, ancient-looking device of unknown origin and design. Mal: Say, what's a mysterious, ancient-looking device of unknown origin and design doing in Tynion's bathroom? Ryu: I don't know.... Touch it. Mal: No. Ryu: Come on, touch it. Mal: No, you touch it. Ryu: I bought the coffee! Mal: So? Ryu: And you liked it! Mal: I loved it! Ryu: So touch it! Mal: OK! Mal touches the mysterious, ancient-looking device of unknown origin and design, and it suddenly whirs to life, lighting the room in an icy blue glow and filling it with an unearthly humming noise that penetrates Mal's and Ryu's skulls. The light and noise become nearly unbearable... and then it begins winding down, until everything is silent once more. Nothing appears different at all. Especially not the smell. Mal: Huh. Ryu: What was that about? Mal: Beats me... you hear that? Through the walls, Mal and Ryu just make out the sounds of a bright conversation and light laughter. They can only make out a few words, but what they did make out... Ryu: Is that... Patty Cake? Mal: I think so.... Ryu: Quick! Touch it again! Mal: No, wait! We still have to save Luther! Ryu: Screw Luther! I'm out of here! Ryu makes for the mysterious, ancient-looking device of unknown origin and design, but Mal grabs his arm just in time. Mal: Look, all we have to do is grab Luther and run. Ryu: But... they're playing Patty Cake, Mal. Patty Cake! Mal: I didn't say it was going to be easy, but this may be our only chance. If what I think happened actually happened, then Tynion might not even know we're here! Ryu: What did happen? And how wouldn't he know? Are we... are we in hell? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! Mal: Get ahold of yourself! I think it's just... some kind of alternate reality. One where Tynion is nice. Ryu: No way.... Mal: Yeah way. And that means Luther... Ryu: No... Mal: Yeah. Let's just make this quick. Mal and Ryu quietly sneak out of the bathroom and down the hall, where Tynion is holding Luther captive. Mal opens the door a crack and peers in... seeing the most horrible thing in his entire life. Tynion: Come on! Luther: No, not again... Tynion: Yes, again! Luther: *holds out hands crying* Tynion: Patty Cake Luther: patty cake... Tynion: Your Cake needs more PATTY IN IT! Luther: No, I can't take it... Tynion: Oh, so Luthy-Woothy wants more dancing? Well more dancing he will get! "Whenever, Wherever" by Shakira starts playing, and Tynion launches into the most horrendous act of belly dancing and karaoke ever. Outside the door, Mal has to turn away and cover his ears. Luther: No, no NO! I'll play Patty Cake! PATTY CAKE PATTY CAKE PATTY CAAAKEEEEE *cries* Tynion: Horray! You start this time... Mal: I've had enough. Let's get him, Ryu. ...Ryu? Ryu is halfway down the hallway, heading back to the portal. Mal: RYU! We can't leave without him! Ryu: Can to! Mal: How will we save him in the other reality, then? We need him. Ryu: But, but... FINE! Mal and Ryu break into Tynion's torture room, kicking the door in. Tynion turns around, and to the duo's horror, is dressed up like a girl, lipstick and all. Behind him Luther is chained to a chair, his hands and feet cuffed together with fuzzy pink handcuffs. Tynion: What...?!! Ryu: Who...?!! Tynion: How...?!! Ryu: Why...?!! Mal: *smacks forehead* Tynion: Ooh, new guests! Do you like Patty Cake? Patty Cake for everyone! Teehee! Luther: No! It's a trick! Tynion: Oh be quiet. Ryu and Mal exchange glances and a few words under their breath. Ryu: Do you see something wrong with this picture? Mal: Many things. Ryu: Exactly what kind of alternate reality is this? Mal: I'm not entirely sure we want to know. Luther: Help me! Mal: Uh, k. Hand over Luther, Tynion. Tynion: Ooh, I can't do that, he's mine! Besides, we were having fun, weren't we Luther? Luther: N...n... Tynion: *tightens the chains* Luther: Y-yes! Lots of fun! Ryu: Since when was Luther such a wuss? Mal: *shrugs* Ryu: Ok Tynion, we'll make a deal. You give us Luther, and you can have Mal. Mal: WHAT?!! Tynion: Deal! Mal: No way am I going along with that crap... Ryu: What? I thought you liked chains, Mally. *winks* Mal: *shudders* ...Just no. Ryu: Besides, this was your idea. Mal: But— Ryu: And I bought the coffee! Mal: It was only $1.25... playing Patty Cake with Tynion is worth at least twice that. Ryu: Fine, I'll buy you another one. Mal: *considers* Ok. Tynion: Joy! *uncuffs Luther, who bolts—no, prances over to Ryu.* Luther: Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! Tynion: Ok then, c'mere Mally.... Mal: Well I guess... OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?! *points behind Tynion* Tynion: I'm not falling for that.... Mal: No, not that, um... your hair! There's a spider in your hair! Luther: EEK! Tynion: What?! GET IT OUT GET IT OOOUUTT! *freaks
out and starts batting his hair* Luther: But what about the spider—? Mal: GO! Luther needs no more encouragement, and the three of them rush back to the bathroom. Luther: Guys? I don't think now's the time.... Without saying a word, Ryu pushes Luther into the bathroom and grabs the portal, Mal close behind. The world wavers once more, the portal bathing the bathroom in that eerie blue glow and filling it with that piercing hum, as it all fades away... leaving a visibly relieved Ryu and very confused Luther. In the background, another china plate shatters, causing Luther to jump, and the screaming ensues. Luther: So like, what's going on? Mal: We need you to help us help the other you! Luther: Other... Mal, what happened to your lisp? Mal: Lisp? Luther: Yeah, you know... you are gay, aren't you? Ryu: *bursts out laughing* Mal: What?! Not in this reality, pal. Luther: "This reality?" What's going on? Ryu: To make a long story short, we were planning to duel with alternate formats but couldn't figure out which so we looked for the other you but couldn't find him. Then we remembered that Tynion was seeking vengeance on him, and apparently in both realities, so we went over there and got knocked out and woke up in this bathroom then we found this weird thing and Mal touched it 'cause I bought the coffee and we went to your reality that was the same place but Tynion was nice and Mal was gay so we saved you and brought you back to our reality to save the normal you from the more evil Tynion so you can teach us about alternate formats! Luther: So... what's going on? Mal: No time to explain, but we need your help! First we have to get out of this bathroom.... Luther: *opens the door* Mal and Ryu: ... Mal: I thought you said it was locked! Ryu: No, I asked you if you lived under a rock. You didn't hear me because... you live under a rock. Mal: Oh. Right then. Onward! Luther: I have a bad feeling about this... Mal: Nay, never fear, for EPIC music is here! [EPIC music plays, leaving our three heroes as they make their way through the bowels of Tynion's smelly house. But that, my noble readers, is an adventure for another day....]
One could not imagine the sheer horror of the situation we left our heroes in on their quest to duel. Deep in the rancid bowls of Tynion's abode they were, seeking the tormentor himself, who had captured Luther and held him in unimaginable pain for reasons only he could know. Having just escaped an alternate reality through a mysterious, ancient-looking device of unknown origin and design in Tynion's bathroom with an alternate Luther, they needed only to find a way to free the real Luther, so their duel could finally commence. Ryu: Don't worry Luth, we're coming for you! Luther: I'm right here.... Ryu: Not you, the other you! Luther: Wha... Mal: Forget it, let's go! And remember your part, Luth. Luther: Sure thing Mally. *winks* It was a simple thing to track down the madman Tynion; all one had to do was follow the shattering of china and outbursts of insane laughter, of which there was plenty. As they got closer, they could hear the real Luther mourning over something and swearing eternal vengeance on Tynion. Luther: If you break one more of my family's heirlooms... Tynion: *shatters another plate and cackles maniacally* Luther: Actually, that one was yours.... Tynion: Son of a... you'll pay in blood for that! Luther: Sorry, don't have any. Tynion: *grumbles 'stupid vampires' * Well you have flesh, don't you? That'll do just fine. *pulls out a scalpel* Luther: Stop right there! Tynion: Who said— Tynion stops abruptly when he sees the alternate Luther, and looks back and forth between the two. While he's distracted with the alternate Luther, Mal and Ryu sneak in to free the real one. Tynion: What... are you doing there? And there? At the same time?! Luther: That Luther's a fake—I'm the real one! Now you'll pay.... Tynion: *tazes alternate Luther, knocking him unconscious* Mal and Ryu untie the real Luther and bolt out of the room. Tynion: H-hey! Guards! GET THEM! Mal: He has guards? You didn't say anything about guards! Ryu: Crap! I didn't know! Luther: *starts to wake up* Patty... cake? Tynion: *tazes alternate Luther again* Mal: So which way's out? Ryu: How am I supposed to know?! Mal: We're screwed. Luther: That way. *points* Mal: Oh, okay. As they turn one of the many corners in Tynion's maze-like home, a bunch of gelatinous, lightning-filled blobs fill the passageway before them. Mal: Oh, cool! Ryu: Yeah, we're gonna die, how cool is that.... Mal: No, no! They're diametrically opposing energies in self-sealed plasmodermic bubbles! I hear they make great pets.
Ryu: Awesome. So how do we get rid of them? Mal: Why would you want to...? Oh, right. Mal kicks one in the face, and it melts away. Ryu and Luther quickly follow suit, and escape with only a couple minor burns. Then they quickly make their way to the exit. Ryu: Tynion has some Weird guards.... Out of nowhere Tynion appears in front of the exit, blocking their way. Tynion: What?! What the hell! It's so goddamn hard to find any good guards these days! "Make great pets," bullcrap! In my day, if you bought security, you had something that would actually STOP people. Not just sit there and die! This is ridiculous! Ryu, Mal, and Luther all come to a stop and watch Tynion. Tynion: And just what the hell do you think you're looking at?! Buncha sorry ass good for nothing - [Riiiing] Tynion: SON OF A - [CRASH] Tynion: You three stay there. *picks up the phone* What do you want?
Tynion: Yes...
Tynion: What? *Thinks of all the people he's supposed to torture and won't be able to without electricity* For how long? When? ANSWER ME!
Tynion: Ok...
Tynion: WHAT? When is this going to happen?
All the lights shut off in the house and the phone goes dead. Tynion: Son of a... *slams phone down* Ryu: Having some problems, Tyn? Tynion: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Someone knocks on the door and Tynion answers, muttering a great many foul things.
Tynion: Yes.
Tynion: So soon?
Tynion: And you didn't do anything...?
Tynion: Damages?
Tynion: Costs?
Tynion: MONTHS?!!!
Tynion: *grinds teeth and points next door*
What happened after that simply cannot be described in words, but the following is an attempt to describe it: Tynion's head exploded. Literally. There was blood and fire everywhere. A non-stop stream of the foulest obscenities flew out of Tynion's flaming head, the sheer force of the words sending the unfortunate man outside onto his back as he cowered in fear and his clothing ignited. Mothers hid their children the best they could, but no one could escape that rant. No one. The children cried, as such horrible things should never reach the young ones' ears. And all the while Ryu, Mal, and Luther stood by, simultaneously intrigued, amused, and awed. Luther had fetched a few pairs of rant-proof ear muffs to protect them from Tynion's flaming words, so no harm came to any of them. When the victim of Tynion's onslaught was reduced to little more than smoldering cinders and the rant still continued, Mal motioned the other two to follow him and they all escaped, walking right behind Tynion on their way out. Mal: *takes the muffs off* Well that was interesting. Ryu: That's one way of putting it. Luther: Hey guys, thanks for letting me out of there. I owe you one. Mal: You're damn right you do, and this is what it's going to be: We need information. Luther: What kind of information? Ryu: We're working on our next duel, but we don't know what to do! All we know is to do something with alternate formats... so we came to you for help. Mal: What do we do?! Luther: Oh, give me a sec. *pulls a top hat out of nowhere and digs around in it, then pulls out a few pieces of paper, handing them to Ryu* Ryu: *looks at the paper, confused. Shows them to Mal* Mal: *also looks at the paper, confused* That's it? Luther: Yep. Mal: We could have done that! Luther: So why didn't you? ... Ryu: All that... for this... Luther: Well, be seein' you. *flies off into the shadows* Mal: Guess we get started then. Ryu: Yeah... I guess. But next time, we're not asking him for help. Mal: Don't have to tell me that.
After all that trouble venturing into alternate realities, watching a gay version of Tynion belly-dancing and playing patty cake with Luther, freeing gay Luther to save the real Luther from real Tynion, here's the format and the sets we ended up with:
All I can say is... what the hell. For those who are mentally challenged in the ways of casual Magic, Highlander is a format where you must build a 100-card deck using no more than one of each card. That's right. Yeah, laugh it up. I'll be waiting. Done yet? ... So anyway, that was the goal. Another thing to note is that there are no sideboards in Highlander, and mulligans work differently. At the beginning of the game, each player can choose any of the seven cards in his or her starting hand, put them aside, and draw cards to replace them, then shuffle the removed cards back in. Kind of like poker, everyone gets some freebies if they don't like what they got. As far as deck building goes, I was lost. I ended up looking at the mess like it was some horrendously misfigured form of Sealed where you start out with a bunch of random cards that don't work together and try to make something useful out of them. Except instead of 75 cards, there are 1020, and instead of fun, there is pain. At least in traditional Sealed you generally stick with a block and the cards kind of, sort of, fit together in neat little ways. With this, well... there's Phelddagrif.
Say what you want about the card, it's still a flying hippo. Nevertheless I was left with little choice and so constructed a steaming pile of crap that can only loosely be called a "deck" by attempting to establish some vague sense of a mana curve and including cards that did things other than suck. It's funny because Ryu and I ended up with fairly similar decks, so you'd think the decks would play out somewhat similarly... well, you'll see how that all went later. First, my magnificently maligned mass of misfortune:
Being a Johnny, such as myself, it's very difficult to build a Highlander deck. Naturally I wanted to include as many little interactions as possible with cards that could still be considered useful on their own. Things like Chimeric Idol and Citadel of Pain. However, it didn't take long to see that wouldn't work. At all. So I ditched it in favor of a boring deck with good-ish cards following some sort of curve so I wouldn't be screwed over. Some cheap guys for early game, bombs for later... and yeah, the occasial combo. Like Swans of Bryn Argoll + Skred. Who can resist drawing nine cards for R? Certainly not me. There wasn't much more to building this, really, but since I wasn't familiar with more than half the cards we were using, I started out by skimming over the cards, mostly the rares to see what kind of bombs were available (a Sealed tactic that probably didn't work here). Blue had next to nothing I could use, Black had some removal I'd have liked to use but mostly junk, and then there were three. Voila! It took me a while to cut the numbers down so there was a curve, but here's how it ended up:
Not bad. I'm usually lucky when it comes to tri-color decks, so I wasn't worried about the mana, and it's pretty well balanced for better or worse:
As far as the cards themselves are concerned, I tried to
include a balance of removal, acceleration, utility (of which there was
surprisingly little in the pool), and good ol' beatface while keeping the
combo-only cards to a minimum. Simple and straightforward. It's not my specialty
(kind of the opposite), but I think I did pretty well, especially after all the
other crazy deck ideas I went through like LD, Uber-Combo, pure Aggro/Burn, pure
Control, and Alternate Win.
But enough rambling from me, let's see what kind of concoction Ryuzaki came up with.
This is what I have so far. I'm still working on it, and cleaning up stuff. Then we can present the games afterwards, and conclusions about how our decks performed. I knew I'd have changed at least a few right off the top of my head. As Mal has said, we had to make a
Highlander deck, except we could only use cards from those five sets. Which is
really crazy, but I like it! A few old sets, and a few recent ones, that should
be interesting. Unlike Mal, I didn't spend as much time tuning my deck, mana
curve this, CMC that. What I did seemed simple enough. Starting out, I looked at
the five sets and filtered it to black instants. I grabbed any card that I
thought was good.
I tested it, and somehow got the most godly god hand you can get. A swamp, a plains, a mountain, a two, three, four, and five cmc card. Not only that, one card was white, another black, another red, and the other colorless! Not only that, but that 3cmc was scuttlemutt! He adds mana! This hand is Brilliant! I closed the deck and thought, okay that's good enough, I'm done. Then I waited for Mal to come and present his. Now if you notice, this deck is rather silly, and has quite a few cards that require 2-3 specific colors, even if they're one of two, that's rather hard to pull off in a four-color deck. I was surprised when Mal said he went three colors. For me, I had to have four. Oh well, I hope Mal is ready for revenge for the last duel*!
Undead Commentator: Finally, after countless months, weeks, and days, the second duel was about to begin. Mal: Could you liven it up a little? Undead Commentator: Maybe if you hadn't killed me last time. Ryu: And we'll do it again too... Undead Commentator: Just try it, you pansy [bleep] [bleepbleeper]. I'm already dead, you don't scare me. Mal:
Ryu:
Undead Commentator: So anyway, Ryu being the moron he is didn't even know how to mulligan right - Ryu: I resent that! *stabs the undead commentator with a sword* Undead Commentator: And I rest my case. Stabbing the undead, seriously. Back to the game, Ryu replaced most of his hand and Mal only a little, and Ryu started the game off with... good god. Ryu: What? Undead Commentator: With... Finks. Kitchen Finks. I guess it fits, though, doesn't it? Ouphe Duelist Extraordinaire? Ryu: It's Brownie Duelist Extrao - Undead Commentator: Yeah whatever. Mal being the dirty rat bastard he is countered with a Finks of his own, making this possibly the most pathetic game imaginable. Ouphe vs. Ouphe, what an event. Not only that, but the two of them copied each other for a couple more turns. Tch. Then Ryu kills Mal's Ouphe or something attacked, blah blah, Mal played more stuff, Ryu killed that too, until Mal started drawing more spells than Ryu could handle. Mal was dwindling at a mere 1 life or so when Ryu extended a hand of mercy, feeling sorry for him. God knows why. Humans, I tell you. Mal would show no mercy of his own, however, and did not hesitate one bit in pummeling Ryu's outstretched hand, taking full advantage of the situation because it's the only way he can win, poor sap. Mal: 1, Ryu: 0 Ryu: That game was practice anyways! Mal: No no, if you won it'd have been practice. But since I won, it totally counts. Undead Commentator: The next game was somehow more uneventful than the last, with Mal getting no creatures at all and Ryu attacking with some 2/2 thing over and over. Ryu: Heartmender. Mal's Heartmender, which I stole. Undead Commentator: Don't care. Mal: 1, Ryu: 1 Undead Commentator: But finally in the third game things got vaguely interesting. Ryu was playing with his Ouphe again, but Mal tutored an Oversoul of Dusk. Unfortunately, it died to a Wrath of God as soon as he played it, followed by Ryu playing his own Oversoul of Dusk, which was killed by Mal's Path of Peace. Oh, the irony. To conclude this anti-epic battle, Mal was killed by the Ouphe. The end. Mal: 1, Ryu: 2 Ryu: Victory... is... MINE! Take that, Mal! Mal: Bah! You got lucky, that's all.... Ryu: That makes the record one for one. We still need to decide a winner! Mal: Indeed. Perhaps in 2010? Ryu: How optimistic of you. Mal: I try. Ryu: Just make sure we get rid of that undead guy. He sucks. Mal: And stinks. Hey, while were playing with portals... do you have your Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator handy? Ryu: Always! Mal: Excellent. Because unfortunately, he must be euthanized. Ryu: My poor Companion Cube...
Mal: Don't worry, I have a feeling we'll see him again. Ryu: Really?! Mal: Sure, like in 2010. Ryu: I can't wait! With the second of the Epic Brownie Duels completed and one final battle to determine the greater duelist, Mal and Ryu dump the undead commentator into the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator to be slowly burned alive (or not so alive), so that he may never stink up another article again. And when he's dead we will be, still alive....
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Not
Worthy of a Name. 
Now
I repeated this for all types, save a few, tribal, planeswalker, etc. I did this
for every color, then artifact. After telling myself to not jump off the bridge,
and calm down, I had some brownies. Then I looked at my deck with all these
potentially great cards, and it was around 150-250 cards, probably more. I had
to take out a lot of cards, and I haven't even looked at my mana base yet! 
