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[DO NOT ENTER] Those are the words pasted on the front door of MDV's Writer's Guild, and with good reason. It is beyond this door that the greatest secrets of MDV lie. It is the future, and shalt not be taken lightly. Well, unless you're me. Whaddya say we have a little
look-see? Oh, don't worry about the sign. It's not like I give a crap about—er...
that's just for annoying little kids. Yeah, kids. Nasty little buggers, they
are. Always running around screaming and throwing papers everywhere....
Right then. Onward! I know it’s going to be a long day as soon as Tynion starts going around and asking everyone their opinions on some new guy one-to-one before calling up a meeting. Internally I groan, but remain passive on the outside. It’s good to give the new guys a chance; sure, I have no problem with it. What I do have a problem with is the inevitable mess of words and letters slopped together which just roughly resembles the English language in some way, shape, or form that I’ll soon have to sort out into something at least comprehensible which can only be called a “n00b article,” and rightly so. Maybe that’s a little rough. Maybe not. I’ve seen some things, man, and until you can at least differentiate “their,” “there,” and “they’re,” and capitalize the beginnings of your sentences, go back to grade school and learn some damn English. But I have been surprised, I’ll admit that. This guy Dazboot, for example, he knows what he’s doing. Check out his articles to see what I mean. Unfortunately the good ones are few and far between, and I can’t help but dread it. Well, maybe I can shirk this one off on Ryu. Lord knows he’s got nothing better to do. Strategically avoiding that conversation, I check my Edit folder and breathe a sigh of relief. There are a couple articles by Death_by_Beebles (DBB) and one by Tynion; piece of cake. Hell, I might as well finalize both of DBB’s right now without even looking at them; just stick my signature thumbs-up smilie on there and call it good. His are by far the cleanest articles I’ve ever seen. But who knows, I might find one little typo or something, and I gotta make it look like I’m doing something before they call me into the newbie room— Ah, crap, too late, I hear Tynion hollering away in there. Putting away the folder I head over to the conference room labeled “New Writer Correspondence,” aka the “newbie room” for short. I take my regular place in the back against the wall, and laugh inwardly as one of the new kids tries and fails to suppress a shudder at my passing. No doubt Luthervamplord and Micheal_Zeora (MZ) have been telling 'em stories; a sort of initiation game they like to play. Poor kid probably thinks I’ll bite his head off—literally—if he speaks out of turn. Oh well, I don’t mind the reputation… wherever it came from. It sure is amusing. I give 'em a single cold, hard glare for good measure before turning my attention to Tynion up front. Tynion seems in an abnormally good mood about this one, which could be promising. Maybe there won’t be any "n00b articles" to worry about after all. His name sounds familiar… yeah, I ran into him in the Avvy & Banner Shop a while back wanting a ham and cheese sandwich Simic style, hold the mayo. Not a bad guy, even if he has a weird taste. Cytoplastry can do some amazing things, though I'm not sure that applies to ham and cheese sandwiches. But hey, whatever floats your boat. In the end it turns out he’s one of the few, the bright, the talented—and he can spell! I thank the gods and silently nod my affirmation. A little rough around the edges, mayhap, but that’s nothing a little experience won’t trim up nicely. Hopefully we'll see some more articles out of him soon. Note: The good thing about pessimism—you can never be disappointed. Either you’re right on or pleasantly surprised. Though I prefer to call it realistic optimism myself... whatever. Once the meeting’s over and everyone agrees—hamsandwich got talent—I grab myself a cup of cream and sugar with a splash of coffee, head over to my temporary office (my usual one being under construction since a few days ago... I miss it already) and get to work. Well, there’s only the few easy articles… maybe I’ll play N Game for a while first. Level 34’s been kicking my behind, and I’m nothing if not determined to beat it. 25 failed attempts and a broken cup of cream and sugar later, someone comes a-knocking on my office door. Cleaning up the evidence of my slacking, I open the door and see Ryu standing there with bloodshot eyes and twitching as if it physically pains him to stand in one place too long, and I close the door on him. Laughing at his muffled insults, I eventually give in and see what’s up. After approximately 43 minutes of nonstop babbling, I derive from his never-ending stream of nonsense that Tynion gave the go ahead for a second Duel of Brownies article, after the great success of the first. Sure, let’s do it. I can picture slaughtering him a second time right now… it will be glorious! Ryu has it in his crazy head he’ll win this time, but my arrogant self knows better. Yes, we must do that. Right after I beat this blasted game. Sitting back down at my desk and turning up some Dream Evil, an awesome power metal group if I ever heard one, I see in my inbox that Luther just finished his article on the Guild—my inspiration for this very article. The man’s a literary genius, I gotta say. He’s got a way with words that you simply can’t pick up; either you've got it or you don't got it, and he's got it. If only he could keep those thrice damned semi-colons under control! It’ll be a little while weeding those out, so I settle in for the long haul and conjure up ideas for my next article in the back of my mind, and more likely than not it'll stay there for quite some time. Boredom settles in not long into the gruesome and tedious editing process, as it is wont to do, so up comes N Game and in walks Tynion, not bothering to knock. It’s not rude, necessarily, it’s just that Tynion is above knocking, and apparently knows a good deal about lock picking as well. Legend has it that Tynion is unsurpassed in the fine art of ranting, as I’m sure many of the Guild members would tell you, but I personally couldn’t say either way. You see, my brain has a way of unconsciously filtering out most of it and— “Mal, are you listening to me?!” Oops. Time to pull a fast one… “Of course! I just can’t help but get lost in your brilliance, that’s all. You’re too good, Tynion. Too good. I don’t care what the other guys say about you.” “What do they say about me…?” “Well you’d have to ask them.” “I’ll do that. But make sure these get done by the end of the week, ok?” “Sure thing, boss!” With that Tynion leaves me with a stack of papers roughly a foot high and goes out in search of the other guys talking behind his back, Ryuzaki being one of them no doubt. You can always count on Ryu to be talking about 'em behind his back... or right next to him. Oh, there he goes already. Two for one! Sweet. And now, time to finish this business. Dumping the papers in the trash, I open up N Game once more. Time to meet your maker, little stick ninja man! Get it, get it, gogoGO—NO! MINES! AaaaAGH!! [20 minutes later, in the Big Man's office] “So yeah, I’m going to need a new office, Streetz.” “This is the third one!” “I know, I know, I’ve been locking them up but I swear it’s Ryu. Probably mad I beat 'em in the Duel of Brownies or something, so he goes and trashes the place to get back at me. Throws all my paperwork away, too.” "How bad this time?" "Well... there's no sign of my computer, but the hole in the window suggests where that went. The desk is turned over and missing a couple legs, which apparently have been used to put holes in the walls until they broke into splinters. Glass everywhere; I think only one light works anymore, not that I use them—" "Are your hands bleeding?" "Er, yeah, I was trying to clean up and cut myself on the glass. I'll see if Luther wants me to save him some...." "Wow, all this over the Duel of Brownies?" "You'd be surprised what losing can drive you to...." “Well alright, I’ll have a talk with him.” “Thanks.” “No problem.
Now I don’t have much to say about the Big Boss Man Streetz, but I can say this: He is The Man. And that’s really all that needs to be said. Once you get past his hugely creepy grin, that is. Back to the coffee machine for more cream and sugar, and—hey, where’d it go? “Looking for sugar, Maleeeeficent? Ahaha, I got the last of it. Sorry about your luck!” “Oh, hey Ryu. By the way I think Streetz wants to see you.” “Oh? He’s going to make me a MOD, I’m sure of it! Forum Member of the Year, soon to be MOD of the year too! And then…” “Yeah, well, don’t keep him waiting.” Slipping by I hack into Ryu’s comp and crank out the few articles in the Edit folder real fast, leaving some silly notes from the editor: "Today's perfection brought to you by the [Order] of Phyrexia; the one-stop shop for all your spinal implantation needs! (Join today for a free sample, you won't regret it—or anything else ever again!)" It's a pretty easy task once you figure out the completely nonsensical capitalization rules, but not everyone can get past that mess. Before shutting down, I leave a few incriminating comments by Ryu: "I can't hold it back anymore, I LOVE YOU LUTHER. Will you marry me??? Come on, I'll do that thing you like..." and add in my own bolded red MOD notes so no one thinks anything of the note at the bottom saying it was last edited by me, "Inappropriate, take it to PM." Ryu has MOD powers here too, so I'm sure I can expect a quick retaliation from him. I look forward to it. All the while I wonder how much longer the keys on his keyboard have left before he wears them down to nothing. I’d give them a week. That done, I start brainstorming the next Duel of Brownies. Something with portals, and other MDV members… it’s brilliant! But who? I see Cashew across the way, buried in his usual pile of self-created work. He’s a trooper, that one. However, I’m not sure how long he could put up with Ryu’s antics. Surely not past the third paragraph. MZ is busily working on his next piece of art, no doubt it's fantastic, all the while claiming not to be an artist. A modest and honorable guy, MZ. Clearly not a good match for Ryu and myself. Then the answer comes storming across the room screaming at the top of his lungs. “Luther! How many times have I told you…!”
That’s it! It’s off to the Top Secret room with me,
then, to conjure up MDV’s next masterpiece. See you then! (And don't let the
door hit you on the way out.
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