I've been playing Magic Online since its release back in 1998-1999; I can't rightly remember anymore it's been so long. Long enough that I've forgotten exactly when, that's for sure. During that time I've seen a lot of mean decks and probably a lot more crap decks. Being that it's Evil Combo Week, can you guess which of the two I'm going to talk about? Today is all about the evilest, most mean, completely vile decks that I've ever had the displeasure of facing.

I'm talking the kind of stuff that spreads animosity across international borders. Decks that you could never bring to a paper game for fear of physical harm. Decks where you sit there making a pyramid of power with your finger saying "excellent" without even meaning to. Get the picture? Just in case you don't, one more: decks that make you want to look up an IP address and head to their city just to beat the first pasty white fat kid you find in hopes it was the deck's creator.

I do not endorse playing the following four decks, nor do I suggest not playing them. In fact, I can't even take credit for them. I've made some evil decks in my time—decks that made opponents quit or just stop playing and wait to die—but they have nothing on these four monstrosities. These are the four absolute meanest decks I've ever seen in MTGO, and I saw them all played by others. So let me put up a disclaimer before you go out and try them: Playing these decks will get you blocked and hated by at least a couple of people, possible public admonishment as well. Wait, what? That's your thing? Then read on; have I got some fun for you.

The first one I'm going to talk about involves the card Summer Bloom. If you're like me, you have two feelings on this card; one is "Great, I'm playing with/against a total noob," and the other is "Great, I'm about to be schooled like I'm a total noob." It's amazing how one card can initiate such opposite thoughts, however there is a good reason for this. Some people use it to "speed up their deck" while others use it to completely and totally end you in a single turn. Can you guess which way this deck will use it?

I've only seen this deck played once, and I know the deck list by heart. How is that possible, you ask? Well let's just say on turn six the player whose name I've since forgotten played his entire deck in a single turn. It took awhile to actually do it and the only reason I stuck around was because I had no idea how he was going to kill everyone. That and I happened to be his partner in Two-Headed Giant so I could sit easy and smile. It speaks miles that I've remembered it after at least a year. But that's more than enough tease; let's go ahead and look at the full monty.

So do you get it or do I need to hold your hand through the pain? Turns one to five are pure land acceleration. Once you have a solid mana base you Reprocess all your lands and anything you have in play. You then draw massive cards, play out more lands if you can, then Second Sunrise. Now you should have a ton cards in hand with all your lands untapped and all your sacrificial creatures back bringing even more lands. So you Reprocess again, probably drawing most of your deck. You then begin to use Overgrown Estate and recursion on Second Sunrise to build your Gravestorm count up to let's say 50. Finally, you unleash Bitter Ordeal for their entire deck and you laugh.

It looks goofy, it looks high risk, but the time I saw it in play he didn't deck one person—he decked two and had plenty left over to deck me (his own partner) for fun! Over 100 cards were sent packing in a single Bitter Ordeal—he also had like 200 some life from Overgrown Estate. I was left a little awestruck, as were our opponents. We all knew he won when he played the first Reprocess + Sunrise, we just had no idea how. Over time, this is a deck that has always stuck with me in my mind, great for you combo players who like to turn a game of Magic into Solitaire.

The second deck I plan on showing is not one you'll like seeing, and if you've ever heard the name RKHeragan you know it already. I shared this in the deck database forever ago, but being Evil Combo Week I had to dust it off and show it again. The list is entirely untouched, being the same as it was two years ago, save a single Shatterstorm I added to the sideboard to handle Affinity. This deck, much like the last one, will turn a game into Solitaire; though this time not because you're doing all the playing, but because no one else can play. Let's check out the deck before I comment any further.

The major combo here is Burning Sands + Night's of Soul's Betrayal. What happens is all of a sudden Kamahl—for a mere Green mana—destroys a land (what a bad boy Kamahl, I thought you were supposed to be redeemed). Before that even happens, every Orchard tap costs your opponent a land. Just in case they manage to get a good start, it's also wipe city and spot control out the yin-yang. There are answers for just about anything. It's mean mean mean mean! The deck is very simple to play, you just wipe and assemble pieces until you shut them out of the game completely. Even Crucible of Worlds won't help a deck against the amount of land destruction that this deck can put out.

The biggest problem with this deck is the price tag. It is not for the cheap at pocket nor is it for the faint of heart to play. You will get blocked, you will get cursed at by people not even in the game, and you will probably be hated publicly for playing this deck. I suggest bringing it to a Two-Headed Giant game to share the fun with even more people and see if your own partner will quit because of how lame you are for playing this deck.

Now how about a merciful budget deck, after that last deck's price tag? It won't be the cheapest deck ever, but it will be literally the crappiest deck you could ever think of playing. That's because we're going to play our opponent's deck thanks to Shared Fate. This deck's main goal will be to do nothing but get Shared Fate out so that we can play our opponent's deck instead of ours while he's forced to play ours which does nothing! Muhahahhahahahahhahahahahahaha!

There you go, the whole deck is based off the concept of playing their deck and giving them nothing in return. Shared Fate is the coup de grâce that forces them to play your deck, and any card that they would draw is absolutely worthless to anyone but you. Even if they pull a card like Bribery or Mimeofacture it's a wasted cast because they search their opponent's library which is you, essentially meaning they probably won't get a thing at all. Before the deck switch they are both powerhouse cards that again thematically use your opponent's deck against him or her. Time Ebb and Temporal Eddy help slow opponents down and unlike Boomerang doesn't create card advantage for the opponent by having them bounce straight to the hand. It's not pauper, but besides Jace Beleren you should be able to pick up this deck for less than ten dollars. I would know, I got most of it for about seven tickets (aka Magic Online fun money).

I initially saw this deck in a multiplayer free for all (MFFA). It created chaos, but because of how low threat it was people let the guy slide with it. Meanwhile he was drawing from a weak player and actually supporting that player somewhat. Creating a pseudo-power shift, the weaker player and Shared Fate deck were left against each other. It was only then that the weaker player found the flaw. That weaker player was me playing a very casual Combo deck in a very mean free for all. When I drew Bribery I smiled; when I searched his deck for my win card, I frowned. I got jack crap, and that's how the rest of the game went and I knew there was not a single answer in "my deck" to stop it.

The fourth and final deck is a monster, literally. I want to go out with a deck so powerful that it got banned from a certain contest in MDV. I saw this deck when I joined a Tribal Three-Headed Giant game involving several members of the Emperor's Folly Fanatics or whatever they call themselves. Basically it was three of them playing three of the nastiest Sliver decks I've ever seen as a team. How nasty? On turn three each had several Slivers in play and one had brought out a Sliver Legion. Now I know what you're saying, that has to be game over; three Sliver players with that much beef against three random guys not teamed. Well, one of my partners brought this Wizard contraption to play against his clan-mates and he was very cocky. From the start he told me we had a 98% chance to win. On his third turn he Vampiric Tutored for a Shuko and said "game." Now mind you we're facing about ten Slivers that are all around 11/11 and for zero mana can flip out of existence. So you want to know how, with a Shuko of all things, he proclaims game over? Take a gander at the deck.

If you guessed Sutured Ghoul for the win condition, you were correct! He sacrificed a Hapless Researcher, drew the Shuko, attached it to the Illusionist and proceeded to deck himself down to 1 card. He then sacrificed all his creatures to Dread Return the Sutured Ghoul which fed down on the Dreadnoughts and came out as a around a 72/78 if my memory serves me correctly. Flying out of the depths of his 'yard Dragon Breath attached for free and the Ghoul-monster stormed across his opponents who was virtually tapped out, smashing into them ending the game on turn three. It was a Sliver massacre. This three-headed Sliver monstrosity had been slayed by, of all things, a power-speed Wizard deck. I made a gentle note to never bring a casual or merely good deck against the Emperor's Fanatics ever again.

And there you have it; four fun decks to get yourself blocked by almost anyone you play them against. Again, read my disclaimer; I don't condone or not condone the playing of these decks. I simply shared them to let you know there is true evil out there and it's much more creative than things like Affinity, Goblins, and Storm decks. Cheers to hopefully seeing your name in a random "Don't ever play XXXX, he plays the lamest most evil deck" message.

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Sarpadian Empires, Vol VII: Foreword.
More Evil Than Evil.
Pauper Chronicles: Top O' the Morningtide to You!
Words from the Streetz: Uncommon and Common Magical Treasures.
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