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Disclaimer: The following article is brought to you by Maleficent. No article by Maleficent should be read without a heavy dose of dark humor. If you should experience distaste, disgust, or dissent at any time while reading this article (or any others by Maleficent), promptly stop reading and cleanse your mind with all the happy thoughts Lorwyn has to offer. Failure to do so may result in severe emotional injury. You have been warned. Now that Lorwyn is finally over, we can expect a decent set from the good folks at Wizards: Shadowmoor. Unlike the fluffy pretty crap from Lorwyn, Shadowm- What? Morningtide? What the hell is that? An expansion of Lorwyn? Good Lord... no, they couldn't have...
They did. Of course some of you may now be saying, "HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THIS YOU JUST REVIEWED THE BLACK CARDZ LAST WEEK?!" Indeed. To you, I say suck it up. I still think it's a good intro! Moving on... ...to why Shadowmoor is so awesome. After having to deal with the marshmallow-headed Kithkin and the most blatant insult ever to the once cool tribe of Shapeshifters and those stupid Faeries and... Elves... we now have some decency in Magic! Thank Wizards! The Multiverse is now at peace! Not to mention- What is it now? Yeah, I know I'm talking about Shadowmoor. Morningtide sucks, let's move on already. Bah, well, if you insist. So in case you hadn't read my review of Morningtide's Black cards, I suggest you spare yourself of the pain in doing so. If you had, you might remember those funny little cards with innocent-sounding names and too-powerful-for-Lorwyn abilities. Yeah, “funny.” Well, there's more of that, some more funny looking midgets and things, and that's the gist of it... can I move on now? No? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!! Ok, ok, seriously now... Maybe. Welcome to the grand finale of the Morningtide previews - and Lorwyn itself! That's right, this is the last one! No more Lorwyn after this! (See? I can be optimistic too!) Like Lorwyn, Morningtide is all about creature types. But different creature types. Classes, to be more specific. Lorwyn taught us all about the beings living on the eternal mid-summer plane, and now we get to learn what they do. Sound likes fun, doesn't it kids? Well, whatever you say. Let's get the most annoying one out of the way first:
Made up of a whopping eight Kithkin, a single Faerie, and a piece of equipment, I'd say this class is pretty much exclusive for the toe jam of Lorwyn. Indeed, Wizards had to create a second fighting class for everything else. Just goes to show that nobody likes Kithkin. Even the Goblins got a Warrior! I can see how that all went down now:
And so, Soldiers were born. Kithkin never did play well with the other races, being White in majority and having only a couple appearances in Green. They're a White Weenie group, and they're better off that way. But as you'll soon see, this isn't where the conversation ended, as a Faerie saw what was going on and chimed in.
And so Fencer Clique became the only non-Kithkin Soldier. (Also, note that there are no Kithkin in any other major class.) While on the topic, let us look more into the Soldier’s rivals:
They are the largest class on Lorwyn with 18 cards to represent, including more races than any other class. Which makes sense, seeing how there's a lot of "struggle" in Lorwyn, or so I hear. Even Rhys is here! The most popular guy in Lorwyn and star of the novel! He went to great lengths to plant a seed, but boy did he succeed - even with all the opposition up against him! What a guy. What. A. Guy.
Interestingly enough, Warriors are dominated by Giants, with Elves coming up second. This means that whatever skills you have in Lorwyn, they're just no match for big guys throwing their weight around. And if you don't believe me, go ahead and fight one of them. Just make your will out to me before you go, and oh don't worry about burial or cremation costs, there won't be enough left of you to bury or burn. No… I see an Offalsnout Elemental in your future…. The other Warrior races include Treefolk, Elementals, and one lonely Goblin who came by accident because he smelled pie. It's obvious, too; just look at him:
Apparently he missed the Squeaking Pie warren signups. Not that I'm complaining. The less of them, the better. But as you can imagine, these guys are all about fighting. Not much else, so I've little to say on the matter. Sure, there's a possible allusion to Doran and his Awesomeness in Indomitable Ancients, and more about the Flamekin's need to go out with a bang via Seething Pathblazer, but other than that, not too much interesting. However one guy just has to be mentioned:
If any one card wins best flavor in all of Lorwyn, this guy gets it. He's a Giant and an Inimidator. Giants make natural intimidators. He makes other guys into Cowards who can't block because they're so intimidated. And if I may: Intimidation. HELL yes. That, my friends, is perfection in flavor. Oh, and the text:
Yeah! Run and hide like the bloody coward you are! RAWR!! Speaking of which... I got nothing. Time to move on! With:
Combat? Psshhh! These guys simply kill. No questions asked. They're masters of magic, like Wizards, but more specifically "Nature Magic" - including not just the usual Green stuff you'd expect, but also fire. And fire is good. There are some especially flavorful cards in here, the best of which I think is Everbark Shaman, who uses dead Treefolk to plant new ones by removing Treefolk in your grave from the game and getting two Forests out of your library and into play. Nice. Fendeep Summoner, whom some of you may recognize from my review of Morningtide's Black cards as the Weed Animator, is pretty interesting as well. Taking a closer look at the picture and flavor, he's not animating weeds (unfortunately - I was looking forward to beating some faces in with 3/5 Weeds) but raising fellow Treefolk who have been consumed by the swamp to live and fight again. This is good support of Lorwyn's Green-heavy flavor, showing that even more of the plane used to be forestland before decay set in. Oh and of course there's more Flamekin blowing themselves up ala Sunflare Shaman. They sure do that a lot, don't they? Yet Shamans aren't Lorwyn's only mystic folk, oh no, for there are:
Naturally, this class is heavy Blue with little features from its allies Black and White. Which of course means Merfolk and Faeries doing sneaky little things to piss you off. My kind of class! Most of it's the same old thing you'd expect from Wizards - card advantage effects, small creatures, and contemplative flavor such as: Dreams are tempting because one is so powerful in them. Dreams are dangerous because that power is a lie. And:
As well as funny counterspell flavor like:
Poor Ashling. Yet there are a couple exceptions to the usual, those being Wandering Greybeard and Maralen of the Mornsong. Wandering Greybeard seems to be another case like Mudbutton Clanger - the little Goblin who wound up in the Warrior class in search of pie. Greybeard doesn't seem to belong here. Obviously, he's been doing a little too much wandering. Maralen, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. In the Lorwyn novel she appears to be a mysterious character with something dark behind her. The Fae don't like her for this reason, yet when they read her dreams they find something extremely interesting, and take her to their master Oona. What went on there is not yet known, but apparently Maralen struck some sort of bargain with the Fae. She acted differently afterwards, and also began commanding the three Faeries that make up the Vendilion Clique. (I think she was possessed by Oona or something, but I've not yet read the Morningtide novel, so only time can tell.) Also, towards the end of the Lorwyn novel, she casts a
rather impressive spell that gets rid of seven Elves with no hassle whatsoever.
So the Wizard bit fits, though I'm not sure about the rest. Anyway,
It pains me to say it, but this is as evil as Lorwyn’s going to get. Really, they’re just a bunch of meany-heads who enjoy stealin’ morsels and whackin’ noggins. Be afraid. Be very afraid! Still, in my opinion this is the coolest class in Morningtide. Partly because they’re unique, but mostly because they can be downright mean, and your opponent will know it when they foolishly decide to take one flying damage and end up taking a six-point life swing and letting you draw a card for 1B. Morsel Theft. That still bothers me. So the majority of the flavor with these guys is in the abilities, as pretty much anything they can do is mischievous to some extent; especially that prowl mechanic of theirs. And that = fun. That about sums up the major classes of Morningtide, but that’s not all! This set also features a few minor classes, which apparently couldn’t match up to… Soldiers? Well, let’s see what we’ve got here:
And there are even some creatures without any class at all! Where I come from, we call them slackers. But in Lorwyn, they’re called Elementals and Shapeshifters. Well, Shapeshiters are too stupid for a class, so mostly just Elementals. And it appears that the Flamekin all have classes; it’s the Greater Elementals who don’t! Perhaps they think they’re too good? I say we get to the bottom of this, and get these slackers to work! Witness Exhibit A:
Fertilid is a Green-aligned Elemental who would sacrifice itself for the good of the land. Solution: Obviously a Druid. Give it a steady supply of counters and it’ll fetch land all day long. Exhibit B:
Our second creature loves screwing people over when it doesn’t get to be the center of attention. Solution: It’s a Wizard, hands down. This has to be the biggest-headed class of them all (just look at Ertai), second only in all types to Elves… sometimes. (So whatever you do, don’t piss Maralen off. And don’t say I didn’t warn you. Ouch.) Exhibit C:
This Elemental was found with its face stuck in the fecal remains of some idiot who tried to fight a Giant. Disgusting. It even looks disgusting, what with the pig head, worm legs, and insect abdomen. It was tough to catch this one; it’s quicker that it looks. Solution: Make it an Advisor. It sticks its nose where it doesn’t belong, and is quick to get away when it gets caught. Otherwise than that, it’s useless. Perfect match! Now get to work, you lazy bums! Hey, you too! Don’t think you got away that easily! I have a special test for you. It’s simple enough, just answer the following questions [here]:
That’s all! Grading will commence shortly, so GOGOGO!! ~Maleficent~
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Faerie:
"Sup guys?"
Let
me begin by saying, you don't want to mess with these guys. They don't get a lot
of notice, and they typically aren't that tough, but they will rip you a new one
in record time. Just check out this line-up:
