Disclaimer #1: The following article is brought to you by Maleficent, and is a summation of his first impressions of Lorwyn's flavor. No article by Maleficent should be read without a heavy dose of dark humor. If you should experience distaste, disgust, or dissent at any time while reading this article (or any others by Maleficent), promptly stop reading and cleanse your mind with all the happy thoughts Lorwyn has to offer. Failure to do so may result in severe emotional injury. You have been warned.

Disclaimer #2: Beware: Lorwyn is NOT for the dark of heart.

Jovial little Faeries flitting and dancing over sparkling blue waters; century-old Treefolk standing tall and proud against the wrath of nature; resourceful midgets working together in a way no other race could; stupid Goblins joyfully doing stupid things like their normal stupid selves. These are but a few of the glorious, beatific images Lorwyn brings to mind.

And they sicken me.

But if all of this blasphemous… happy stuff is your thing, good for you. If I may now direct your attention to the balcony for a moment, you are more than welcome to take a leap of faith in the name of all that is pretty before I take my disgusted anger out on you. For the rest of you, you’re more than welcome to assist me as you so please. Afterwards, we’ll all get dressed up in our finest villainous attire, light our torches, bolas, and decapitated heads, and march over to Wizards to burn some sense into them – joyfully.

Now where was I? Oh yes – darn midgets! Really now, what’s so great about midgets? There are Hobbits, Kender, Halflings, and now Kithkin with their damnable thoughtweft, a.k.a. the wannabe hivemind. Granted, there were Kithkin before Lorwyn, but not many, thank God. But it's funny how the smallest creatures of Lorwyn are the most vicious (kind of like dogs, heh). Because of this thoughtweft, the Kithkin are feisty little fellas, second only to Faeries, in both viciousness and, well, lameness. So I think this may be the first set ever in which I like Goblins for tormenting the little things.

Auntie always knows which berries to lick, which kithkin to trick, and what to do when either goes wrong. – Wort, Boggart Auntie

Speaking of these Goblins, the boogers, er… boggarts, I have but one, simple question: Why? Does Magic really need more of these bothersome pests? They’re like a plague, and not a good one. Apparently, their only uses are multiplying, dying, and being stupid-funny.

Auntie excitedly held up the squalling newborn. “This one looks like Byoog! Maybe he’ll tell us what he saw and felt in the beyond.” – Boggart Birth Rite

Boggarts get so excited when they find something new to smash that they really don’t notice who gets underfoot. – Facevaulter

One part cunning, one part wise, and many, many parts demented. – Mad Auntie

Why do our pies squeak? It’s all the faeries, mice, and pickly-hogs we stuff inside.” – Borb of the Squeaking Pie warren – Squeaking Pie Sneak

Seriously, they have a group called the Squeaking Pie warren. Eugh, let’s just not go there. Though now that I think of it, this entire set reminds me strangely of Alice in Wonderland, which, as we all know (or soon will), is a druggie movie.

…

Wizards, is there something you’d like to tell us? We all know you’re bound to do some crazy things at times, and that’s ok. A little craziness is good, once in a while. But I think you’ve gone just a little too far this time. What happened to the good guys and bad guys? The epic world-shaking battles? Nooo, everyone’s happy in Lorwyn. It’s the perfect place, all sunshine and special brownies.

“Oh, there’s evil!” you say, “Boggarts are mean little guys; they steal things!” Sorry, but pie thievery isn’t evil. Annoying, perhaps. Not evil. Besides, Goblins are too stupid to be evil. Everyone knows that. “Wait! The Elves are really evil! They kill people!”

*sigh*

Let me explain something to you. Killing things that aren’t pretty does not qualify as evil. Obsessive compulsive, sure; they could use a little psychological help if you ask me. Send them to Dr. Phil and get that perfectionism and arrogance straightened out. Have Yawgmoth kill off about half of them. Then you’ll see them for what they really are – whiny babies. That’s right, take away their power and they’re nothing but a bunch of spoiled little babies.

Poor little Elves. I almost feel sorry for them.

But I’ve been ranting on long enough, don’t you think? Well, I’ll tell you what I think: not even close! There are still the Faeries! In all truth, they’re probably the most evil of all of Lorwyn’s tribes. Yes, the Faeries. Because despite the general stereotype of these fanciful sprites, Lorwyn’s Faeries are pretty mean. They torment people for apparently no reason, steal their thoughts and dreams, and all work as one for their hidden queen named Oona, who lives in the secluded lands of Glen Elendra, which no one has seen or will see unless Oona wishes it. Sure reminds me a lot of the Dimir. A prettied-up Dimir – an atrocity, to be sure – but Dimir nonetheless.

Now let’s move on before I say something that’ll make me want to shoot myself. Merfolk! Ah yes, the ever-popular fish tribe, always up to some fishy business. Unfortunately, the Lorwyn merrow don’t really do anything. And you can’t blame them; all they have are the few rivers that traverse through Lorwyn, and these Merfolk can’t survive very long on land at all. Pull too much tricky business on some other tribe, and they’ll dam up their rivers before you can say Bouillabaisse (which may take a little while) and spend their long, summer days netting them and basically committing genocide on the poor Merfolk. Next thing you know, everyone in Lorwyn will be enjoying fish sticks for dinner from then on. I’m sure those Giants have hefty appetites.

And about the Giants, you know, I think Wizards just thought it would be a hoot to have Giants and midgets in the same set. Not only that, but they made the Giants into oxymorons. Unintelligent oracles, hah! For the last time, Wizards: Drugs are bad, m’kay? Anyway, these Giants are big in many ways – their stature, of course; their emotions; their actions; their lifespan; all of it is larger than life, so to speak. All except for their brains.

As it is, there is no academy for Giants. Why, they would probably have to level the entire forest to even build the thing. So I’m not quite sure why there isn’t one, but nevertheless many of Lorwyn’s creatures rely on them to settle disputes and whatnot…. Not the brightest folk in the multiverse, are they? Come to think of it, I’m not sure Lorwyn has any kind of school system at all. Go figure.

 “Four dots and two dots is red dots!” --Giant Harbinger

But Lorwyn is not completely full of dimwits, because there are Treefolk. They’re so smart; they ignore all the other insignificant races and keep to themselves. (Except for this guy Colfenor, but you can read about him in the book. Here’s a hint: Colfenor's Plans.) For being the most wise of all tribes, they’re a pretty cynical bunch as well. Check out what Colfenor has to say on Rootgrapple:

”All the sylvan secrets of this world are etched between my rings. The skinfolk’s metal aberrations can rot between my roots.”

Looks like he’s not a big fan of skinfolk and their precious (worthless) treasures. I don’t blame him. They can’t help that they’re no better than incompleated newts. *Ahem*

Which leads me to perhaps the coolest tribe of all Lorwyn: Phyrexians! (I wish, but Lorwyn just isn’t worth destroying.) Ok, the next best thing, then: Elementals! In essence, they are surreal and strange manifestations of dreams and ideas. They have no petty squabbles with the lesser races, for they are simply greater, and everyone knows it. In a way, they play the role of protectors and rulers of Lorwyn, no matter what the Elves may think. And the flamekin, being lesser Elementals themselves, also think little of the so-called perfect race:

“The elves may try to confine us, by they will learn that our blazing spirit can never be suppressed.” – Vessifrus, flamekin demagogue – Flamekin Bladewhirl

Aha, BURN THEM! (Remember, children: Violence is the answer.) Besides, what’s not cool about living fire? Well, technically, it’s living stone that is constantly on fire, but still. It’s fire! And fire is good. So is pie (as long as it’s not squeaking). And Shapeshifters.

At least, usually. The Shapeshifters of Lorwyn are ugly, stupid, and hideous. Much like boggarts, but different. As far as we know, they have no purpose other than to mimic their surroundings; and that they are spawned from the secret subterranean cavern known as Velis Vel, where they flock to once a year when light fills the quartz-lined chamber and they revert to their unknown natural forms.

Wow.

So I’m sure that many of you are interested in hearing about the brand spanking new planeswalkers, eh? Or maybe you’re sick of hearing about them. Either way, I have nothing to say, because as of Lorwyn they play absolutely no part in the storyline. Really. It’s a shame, seeing how much personality Wizards gave them. I suppose they want to move away from planeswalker-driven storylines toward more “normal” ones, where the entire plot is how some Elf named Rhys must plant a seed in a “special place” while being hunted by his fellow Elves for being ugly, because that is just so fascinating and unbelievably awesome. I mean, who could come up with a plot like that? It’s like a gardening adventure taken to the next level. Just think of the catch-lines:

“Entrusted with a colossal responsibility; Rhys the elf must risk his very life to ensure the growth of a magical tree.”

“Follow Rhys and his friends as they are hunted by his onetime companions, who have turned on him because of a tragic event that cost Rhys his horns… and his beauty (dun dun dunnn…).”

“The hunter becomes the hunted when an elf named Rhys becomes a blight upon the eyes of the beautiful. Can he plant the magical seed before it is too late?”

(Note: this is the storyline for Lorwyn, in case you had any doubts.) Now I’m all for originality, but this… this is what happens when you give in to peer pressure. I beg of you, don’t do drugs, for all that is unholy and evil.

And I will leave you on that moral note. If you are still unconvinced of the atrocities drugs cause, I bid you to look at the following Lorwyn cards:

What kind of sick person would steal a baby and replace it with a creepy-eyed, green-skinned, alien-looking thing? I’ll tell you: someone under the influence. (Or maybe your typical, run-of-the-mill basket case.) No one in their right mind would do such a horrendous thing.

Flying trees? I need say no more.

What the hell is this thing? It looks like a frog and a Goblin got a little too close, if you know what I mean. Now tell me, do you want your children looking like this? I didn’t think so. Stay away from drugs!

You don’t want to turn into the next living freak show, do you?

Haha.

This is what hallucinogens do to you. Stay away.

But all this talk of Lorwyn is beginning to annoy me, so I will leave it at that, for your good as well as my own. I hope you’ve all learned a valuable lesson today; Elves are whiney babies. If you see someone playing with Elves, call them a whiney baby, too, because Elf decks are cheap. Instead, build a nice Elemental deck and burn them to the ground where they belong. And all will be good.

~Maleficent~

P.S. In case you are into this whole Lorwyn thing, and are still hanging around, here’s a fancy little glossary for you:

Lorwyn Glossary

Arbomander: A giant amphibian native to Lorwyn’s Wanderwine River. Arbomanders have been known to grow as long as one hundred feet, though tales tell of examples five times that size.

Archer: An Elf hunter who specializes in use of the long bow instead of a sword. Kithkin employ their own archers for defense of their towns and villages, organized in a similar hierarchy but without Elf caste distinctions.

Arrowgrass: A plentiful, sturdy wild grass of Lorwyn used by Elves for arrow shafts.

Auntie: A male or female boggart of great age and experience who explains the meanings behind things or sensations that are particularly puzzling. They also resolve squabbles, organize raids, and recite tales of famous aunties of old at great boggart feasts. The greatest auntie of all is Auntie Grub, whose ancient tales still guide boggart behavior.

Blessed Nation: Also “the Blessed.” The Blessed Nation comprises all the Elf tribes of Lorwyn, ruled by male and female High Perfects with the help of a council of Exquisites and other Perfects. The current monarchs, as well as all High Perfects in living memory, have been of the Gilt Leaf tribe. Non-Elves colloquially refer to the High Perfects as the “king and queen.”

Boggart Law: Boggarts’ only “law” requires that new sensory discoveries be shared with all other boggarts. Their greatest crime is to hoard an item to oneself.

Cenn: A Kithkin leader similar to a town mayor.

Cervin: The steed of choice for Elves, the cervin resembles a long-legged deer. Certain bloodlines and breeding stock are reserved for high-caste Elves; anyone of a lower caste or tribe risks execution for so much as touching one of these rare and beautiful creatures.

Clachan: A Kithkin village.

Clique: Three or more Faeries bonded for life, the members of a clique share an empathic connection that extends to telepathy during times of extreme stress or emotion.

Crannog: A merrow village built to offer access to both the river-dwelling inhabitants and landwalking visitors. Crannogs resemble small floating villages, but beneath the surface they extend all the way to the river bottom. The lower half of a crannog might contain a population of merrow many times larger than is apparent from above.

Cuffhound: Large canines employed by Elf hunters as trackers and attack dogs. Cuffhounds can follow a scent for hundreds of miles.

Daen: Commander of an individual pack and the Elf who receives directives from high command, decides on their implementation, and issues orders to the hunters under his or her command.

Deathcap: One of the hunting packs of the Gilt Leaf Elves.

Dreamstuff: Tangible thoughts and dreams visible only to the fae.

Elf Law: The laws of beauty. In vain Elvish society, beauty is prized above all else. Their laws elevate the beautiful and bring cruelty to all creatures below their standards.

Exquisite: The second-highest caste in the Blessed Nation; includes taercenns, courtiers, artists, and spiritual leaders.

Eyeblight: Any Elf who, through disfigurement, physical deformity, or traitorous deed, is judged unworthy of the name “Elf.” Such creatures are considered to be beneath even boggarts, and their lives are worth nothing to their kin.

Fae: Formal name of Lorwyn’s collective Faerie population, used in the context of their shared traditions, magic, and identity.

Faultless: The fourth and lowest but most populous caste of the Blessed Nation. This status is conferred upon any Elf of the minimum threshold of beauty and grace. Equivalent to basic acceptance within Elf society.

Festival of Tales: An annual event hosted in the Kithkin town of Kinsbaile for countless decades. A gathering for telling stories and making merry before the Aurora, an annual display of lights in the sunset sky.

Gilt Leaf: The strongest and greatest of the Blessed Nation’s Elf tribes, masters of the Gilt Leaf Wood.

Glamer: Illusion magic, most often used by the fae to beautify themselves, entertain one another, or incapacitate foes. It is sometimes used by Elves (dishonorably) to cover up their disfigurements.

Hemlock: The pack under the command of Daen Rhys, comprised of around a hundred hunters with Gryffid as the daen’s second.

Hunter: Trained to bear arms and follow orders, hunters comprise the largest percentage of the Blessed Nation, but are rarely of any caste higher than Faultless. Roughly equivalent to the modern term “soldier,” hunters include rangers, archers, and daens.

Immaculate: The third-highest caste in the Blessed Nation. Elves of this caste are seedguides, viziers, diplomats, and other important functionaries. Some daens are also granted this status as a reward for courage and service.

Lanes: Merrow term for the many interconnected rivers of Lorwyn. Also used as an oath, e.g., “By the Lanes!”

Lys Alana: The largest elf city in the Gilt Leaf Wood, Lys Alana is home to the majestic Dawn’s Light Palace.

Merrow Schools: The basic social unit among the merrows is the school. The Silvergill, Stonybrook, Paperfin, Weirwinder, and Inkfathom schools have their differences, but they still trade and associate with one another.

Moonglove: A flowering plant with blue-white blossoms that is source of a powerful poison highly prized by Lorwyn Elves, who are largely immune to its effects. Elves use moonglove aggressively in battle and it is the source of their famed and feared “deathtouch.” Moonglove is also essential to many important Elf rituals and magic, as well as etching when diluted.

Mornsong: A lesser tribe of the Blessed Nation, the Mornsong Elves are known all over Lorwyn as the finest musicians and vocalists anywhere. The greatest Mornsong singer of the current generation is Peradala, a Perfect.

Nation: See Blessed Nation. Also sometimes used colloquially to describe an Elf’s own tribe as a matter of pride: e.g., the “Gilt Leaf nation.”

Pack: A highly mobile and tightly organized squad of hunters commanded by a daen. Packs range in size from a dozen members to several hundred, and are given broad directives by tribal authorities or their taercenn. Most packs operate semi-autonomously with regular but infrequent dispatches to and from their superiors.

Perfect: The highest caste of the Blessed Nation. Perfects are the greatest of the Elves, including the most brilliant artists and leaders. The High Perfects are the equivalent of Elf monarchs and are chosen by their fellow Perfects to rule for life.

Pilgrim: A flamekin following “the path,” a personal and spiritual journey of discovery that entails wandering the highways and byways of Lorwyn to make contact with the higher elemental powers. Most flamekin spend at least some part of their lives as a pilgrim, and pilgrims are often employed as trusted messengers and troubleshooters by other tribes.

Ranger: The lowest rank of Elf hunter, armed with sword, dagger, other close-quarters weapons; they can be equipped with spears and pikes. Rangers are trained in woodland combat and tracking. The infantry of the Blessed Nation.

Scarblade: Elves trained in stealthy combat meant to maim and disfigure. The victim of a scarblade suffers a fate worse than death – they become eyeblights. Scarblades are usually employed by high-caste clients to deal with political enemies.

Seedguide: Elf druid-mages who serve as the Blessed Nation’s ambassadors to the Treefolk tribes.

Seedbody: Also “seedcone.” All Treefolk begin life as a seedbody, but not all seedbodies become fully animated and sentient. Most become trees, albeit relatively intelligent trees with the potential to become aware and mobile.

Shapewater: Practiced only by the merrow, shapewater magic allows a merrow to manipulate water into solid, sustainable, and mobile shapes. Though these shapes are usually static, the water from which they are formed continues to move and flow through and around the source from which it comes, usually a river. Merrow ferrymen employ shapewater to move landwalkers across and along the many rivers of Lorwyn.

Soulstokes: Advanced walkers of the Path of Flame, called soulstokes, balance on a thin edge between emotional enlightenment and sudden combustion. These spiritual leaders blaze with white-hot flame, and espouse the belief that it is better to flare out than to gutter.

Springjack: A large, horned lagomorph employed primarily by the Kithkin as mounts, beasts of burden, and a food source.

Taer: An honorable (originally Elvish, but also commonly used by most of Lorwyn’s varied tribes) and roughly equivalent to the English “sir,” it literally means “great.” Also a prefix added to ranks and titles to signify the superiority the same (e.g., “taercenn,” literally “great master.”)

Taercenn: The highest hunter rank, restricted to Exquisite Elves alone. An active battlefield general, supreme commander and authority over multiple individual packs. The taercenn usually has some political influence with the High Perfects as well.

The Path of Flame: Each flamekin embarks on a quest for self-actualization – the Path of Flame – seeking a connection with a force greater than themselves.

The Rising: The process in which a tree becomes a Treefolk, and becomes sentient and mobile. Not all trees may have a Rising; they occur randomly.

Thoughtweft: A form of Kithkin magic that relies on shared beliefs, often reinforced with music or poetry. A Kithkin can feel and join in strong thoughtweft at a great distance.

Tribe: Generally used to describe the different intelligent species of Lorwyn, e.g., the Kithkin tribe or the flamekin tribe. Also used to describe different groups within a species, as in “Gilt Leaf tribe” or “Mornsong tribe.”

Velis Vel: The secret spawning ground of the changelings is Velis Vel Grotto. Velis Vel is a subterranean cavern encrusted with quartz crystals. Once a year, sunlight filters into a hole at the top of the grotto, flooding it with light. During this time changelings are drawn to Velis Vel, where they revert to their unknown natural forms.

Vinebred: Living creatures altered and controlled by their Elf masters via the parasitic nettlevine. Vinebred are often considered terribly beautiful works of art. The hunting packs of the Blessed Nation sometimes employ them as shock troops, while Perfects often create truly magnificent vinebred to use as guards and servants.

Warren: A boggart village, led by an auntie.

Winnower: Elf hunters charged with and specially trained to hunt down and eliminate eyeblights.

Yew: The most rare of all Treefolk species, reddish in color, which have needles rather than leaves. Colfenor is the last remaining of this kind on Lorwyn. The poisonous sap of yew trees is as deadly as it is rare.

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Articles Spotlights from 2007:
Lorwyn Theme Week Intro & Schedule of Events
Blink And Bounce: Timing is Key
Going Blind: XCB Metagaming - A Prolonged Conclusion.
The Science of Magic: Genetic Engineering, Part Two.
Shifting Lineaments: Casual Metagaming (Pt. 2).
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Combofusion: Legends Timeshifted.
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