Hey maggots, itís been awhile! What better way to herald my glorious return than to go against all the things Iíve preached about in the past Creature Features! Let me explain myself before you start the hate mail, though. Iím not a filthy hypocrite by choice, you see. When the Writersí Guild decided to do Lorwyn Week, I mulled laboriously over which of the eight tribes Iíd focus on for this article. How could I give them all equal screen time? As masochistic as it sounds, Iíd have had to write eight articles.
ÖAnd I tried, I really did! Unfortunately, my best wasnít good enough, and this was the best I could do. Now Iím high and dry in hypocrite city.
Which brings us here. A Creature Feature on Goblins, Magicís most obnoxiously over-pushed creature type. Did you know that Goblins have appeared in every plane in the Multiverse thus far? The annoying little buggers are everywhere.
Lucky for me, this is Lorwyn Week. I donít need to cover the super boring and clichťd Goblins of Dominaria if I donít want to, and trust me, I donít. If you happen to be a fan of the Flaarg, the Skirk, the Mons, the Kyren, the Akki, the Mogg, or whatever else you found crawling under a Planeswalkerís bed, I have nothing for you.
This isnít Creature Feature - Goblins. I lied. This is Creature Feature - Boggarts.
I Stole This Segment
Boggarts are slimy little pains in the neck that really donít fill any particular role in Lorwyn. Theyíre too dumb to be really malevolent, so theyíre really more pests than villains. If thereís one thing that Boggarts are good at, though, itís stealing stuff. I mean that almost literally, by the way. Rather than steal objects of value, these little guys covet quantity over quality. Boggart hovels are filled with dead animals, strange looking rocks, broken broomsticks, one of Brigidís old corsets (that is one busty Halfling, but more on that Wednesday), a goat, a few bricks, their next door neighborís finger, a used handkerchief, and so on and so forth ad infinitum. If the Elves of Lorwyn represent pride, the Boggarts are paragons of greed. Boggarts also love to pull poorly thought out pranks, which is usually how they end up wearing each otherís fingers.
Boggart villages are led by Aunties, which arenít really anyoneís aunts. Typically the best way to become an Auntie is to stay alive long enough to outlast your generation. This usually doesnít take very long.
Wizards planned on making the Boggarts interesting by moving them from Red to Black. However, their short attention spans, their obsession with trivial objects, and their insatiable eternal boredom seems to keep them in Red, color pie-wise, to me. Prove me wrong, but Iím calling their color assignment a miss.
Like all of Lorwynís races, Boggarts began their life in English folktales. Like J. K. Rowling before them, Wizards took a great amount of liberty in designing the Boggarts of Lorwyn. The Boggarts of Britain were weak but malevolent ghosts that would typically haunt a family lineage, pulling irritating pranks on them through the generations. Boggart pastimes included stealing farm crops, pulling on peopleís ears, and hiding in your bed.
They also have a weakness to horseshoes. Hanging a horseshoe on your front door usually kept Boggarts at bay. Iíd make a joke about how zany you limeys in the audience are, but around here we have a guy who rode around on a tornado.
WORT WORT WORT
Yeah, I just made a Halo joke. Can you blame me? If I see ďFINISH THE FIGHTĒ or ďBELIEVEĒ written on a piece of tangentially significant merchandise again, itíll be too soon.
But I digress; letís talk about Wort.
Wort, Boggart Auntie isnít anything all that new, really. Weíve already had Red creatures with fear (kind of; see Skirk Shaman). Weíve already had Black Goblins. And donít get me started about Hill Giants. No, none of that makes Wort interesting. What makes Wort interesting is that she can fetch Goblin cards from your grave, not just Goblin creatures. I admit, it seems like a small difference.
Honestly, you probably wonít need Wort to win here. There are plenty of cheap, fast Boggarts that this Weenie build should be far ahead by the time it hits four mana. Unlike other Aggro decks, though, if the race doesnít sort out in your favor, you can chump block with Mudbutton all day long and win all sneaky like that.
Note: If you do actually win by chump blocking your opponent to death, you were probably playing against a Boggart yourself.
Letís pretend for a minute or two that I didnít hate Goblins with every fiber of my being. How would Boggarts stack up in a vacuum?
I still donít like them. Among the entire lot, not one Boggart has a remotely interesting effect; a Goblin King variant, a bad reanimator in Warren Pilferers, and one of the worst of the ďreveal or pay threeĒ cycle. The best Wizards could come up with for Goblin Tribal cards were rehashes of Raise Dead, Shock, and a nerfed Goblin Grenade. Even without the baggage their race has carried over the years, Boggarts stack up as the lamest tribe in Lorwyn.
I like Facevaulter, though, Iíll admit it. Heís silly.
Why You LittleÖ
Itís here where I have to drop you kids off. Iím sorry I havenít been as active as I used to be, and Iím sure you guys have noticed it. I could only get one article complete in all these weeks of prep.
Iím still one of the MDV bloggers, though, so Iím improving, anyway. Besides, itís not that Iíve been just slacking off, here. Iíve been working on my web comic during this ďinactivityĒ (which is way more work than writing a Creature Feature, let me tell you!).
Enjoy the rest of Lorwyn week, even if it does have Goblins. Yuck.
Tekkactus is an enigma of an author on Magic Deck Vortex. He rarely ever appears anymore, due to his being very busy working his fingers to the bone on his comic Sandgate. He hates everything and everyone, and that includes you.
Spotlights from 2007: