Joke forum

[thegeneralpublic]

This was actually told in our church this morning.

A Vermont farmer was out in his fields one day when a Jeep Cherokee drove up. Out stepped a man in the latest designer clothes. The Vermonter could tell he was out of state jsut from his fancy clothes. "How are you?" the flatlander asks.

"Good. Yourself?" replied the farmer.

"Excellent. Hey, I was driving by and I saw this huge sheep farm of yours and thought you looked like an intellegent man. I was wondering if you'd like to take a wager."

"What did you have in mind?"

"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your farm, can I have one?"

"Sure."

So the flatlander whips out his laptop, plugs it into the car and starts surfing the web. He hooks up his mini-printer and gets a huge 150-page print out."

"You have exactly 1567 sheep on your farm" says the flatlander.

"That's correct!" says the Vermonter.

So the flatlander finds his pick and starts putting it in the trunk. The Vermonter leans up against the side of the Cherokee and says "Hey, you know what, I have a wager for YOU."

The flatlander, slightly startled, says "All right, what is it?"

"If I can tell you exactly where you are from and what you do, can I have it back?"

He looks over the farmer, and senses that he has nothing high-tech on him. "All right" he agrees.

So the farmer confidently states: "You are one of those pollsters working in Washington, DC"

The pollster, taken aback in amazement, says "How'd you know?!"

The Vermonter says "For three reasons. One, you didn't call but you showed up anyway. Two, you want to get paid for giving me the answer to a question I already knew the answer to. Three, you don't know what the hell you are doing. Can I have my dog back?"

:roll: :rotf:

[stolin]

lol, thats pretty good. :)

this should be open for all jokes though, can you change the title as we do not have a joke thread yet? :P

[Miraj]

HAHA that was really funny now I have one!!

A peguin is driving down the road in the middle of the desert and all of a sudden his car swerves out of control. He gets out and sees that he had a flat tire he looks around and a mmile away he sees a service station. The penguin gets to the service station and says to the mechanic:


"I was driving down the road and my tire went flat can you fix it and tell me what is wrong?"

The mechanic says: "Sure it will take about 15 minutes though. Why dont you go to that ice cream stand over there and relax while I fix your car."

The penguin goes over to the stand looks at the menu and sees that the vendor has his favrite ice cream flavor.... Vanilla. The penguin promptly orders 2 vanilla ice cream cones and starts walking back to the service station. The penguin gets back to the service station after eating the 2 ice creams and asks the mechanic what had happened.

The mechanic says: "Your car is fine. It looks like you just blew a seal."

[stolin]

lol :D looks like its time for green golf balls, I will post that one later

[Miraj]

NOOOOO!!! not the green golf balls :shock: .

[lionden_56]

Originally posted by stolin
lol, thats pretty good. :)

this should be open for all jokes though, can you change the title as we do not have a joke thread yet? :P
Renamed via request ~lionden_56~

[lionden_56]

Two guys die on the same day. They both arive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. The first guy steps up to St. Peter, who asks him to state his name.

"I'm Jim Phillips, and I've been a New York City cab driver for the past 30 years."

"Very good," says Peter. "Take this golden staff and silken robe and enter the kingdom of Heaven."

The cabbie walks in. The next guy steps up, and again, Peter asks for a name.

"I'm Mike Johnson, and I've been a pastor at the 'Church of the Lamb' for the past 35 years."

Peter checks his list and says, "Very well, take this wooden staff and woollen robe and enter the kingdom of Heaven."

The pastor is a little confused, and says, "Wait a minute! I've been serving the Lord for the past 35 years, and all I get is this wooden staff. But the guy who drives a car all his life gets gold and silk! How does that work?"

Peter replies, "Up here, we work by results. When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

[thegeneralpublic]

There once was a guy named Joe. Now Joe was a junior at a high school not unlike yours; it had all of your standard equipment, such as walls and ceilings. Joe was one of those cool guys with his own posse and the like. He lived the good life.

Now, one day, Joe was in the restroom, doing his business and reading the grafitti, when all of a sudden he sees a graffitium saying "Purple Rose." Staring in bewilderment, he shurgs and says "eh, okay."

Later that day, Joe is sitting at the head of the popular kid table with his deluxe meal (paid for by unwilling freshmen) and he accidentally spills his strawberry milk (you know, the kind that tastes like Pepto Bismol). Naturally, he gets a little ticked off, and, not knowing what else to do, he yells out "PURPLE ROSE!"

The kids at his table, including his posse, give him one of those looks that shoot daggers, lift up their trays, and "walk" away towards another table. Joe sits there for the rest of the lunch hour in bewilderment.

At the end of the day, Joe has his chemistry class, you know, the kind taught by a guy that is rich enough to drive his own Porsche and yet dresses like a flood victim. The teacher is one of those really chummy guys that acts like he's closer than your brother, so naturally, when he sees Joe all depressed and such, he has him stay behind after class. He says, "Joe, what's wrong man? You were looking so happy that it looked like you'd start giving out $100 bills for free at any minute! What happened?"

"Ah, um, you know, I really don't want to talk about it."

"It's okay. You can tell me."

"Well, it was, erm, something I said."

"Trust me, Joe, I've heard the worst of it. You can tell me."

"Ah, okay okay. What it was, erm, I said 'Purple rose.'"

His teacher gives him a look that looks like your lifelong rival after you get away yet again, and storms out of his classroom, leaving Joe in bewilderment once again. % minutes later, he comes back in and says "Get everything you have in this school and go to the principal's office."

Joe is really weirded now, so he goes and collects his books and binders out of his locker without comment, as well as his gym clothes and the secret stink bomb he planted in a freshman's locker (he moved that to the teacher's desk). He then shuffled into the principal's office, head down. The principal immediately attacks him, saying "One of my best teachers just ran in here, punched a hole in my only wall, and threatened to quit unless I expelled you from this school! What on earth could you have done to make him so mad?!"

"Ah, I uh, dont really want to talk about it."

"Son, you are going to tell me now or you're going to be expelled anyway!"

"Ah, all right. Erm, what is was, eh, was, um, I said 'Purple Rose.'"

The principal looks at him sternly for what seems like eternity, grabs the phone, dials a number, yells into it, and slams it back, shaking the pictures from the walls. He then says "Go out and meet your parents. NOW."

Joe goes and waits for his parents in silence. When his dad drives up he says "Okay, son, I just want to let you know that things could've been worse and your mother and I are not mad at you. Would you just tell me what happened?"

"I, uh, really don't want to talk about it."

"I'll just take the long way home then."

So his dad drives him along for awhile, and then Joe finally says "All right all right. What I did was, I said 'Purple Rose.'"

His dad gives him a disgusted look, accelerates to a speed normally reserved for Montana, or the Autobahn, and pulls into their driveway, nearly causing them to buy a new garage door. He slams the door and walks inside, Joe shuffling behind him. Joe walks in to see his mother crying at the table and his dad giving him one of those looks normally reserved for puplic enemy #1. He says, "Son, here's $100. You can go anywhere but here. Just leave." So his dad drives him to a train station, throws him out, and drives off without saying goodbye.

So, eventually, Joe winds up in San Diego. There, he blows the $100 immediately and now, 4 years later, is a bum living on the streets. He has a sign that says "Will work for food," but eveyone knows that just means "Throw your spare change." So he's collected his $2.50 and is about to walk down to McDonalds for his daily Happy Meal with a free Beanie Baby! (of which he has amassed 600 of) when he passes a book shop. Normally, he wouldn't be interested in anything there, but a book catches his eye entitled "The Meaning of Purple Rose" (by the late George Hammerheimen). He looks at the price tag, which is exactly $2.50 with tax. He then thinks: should I eat today and get another chance at getting that big beanie baby or should I find out why I'm trying to get that beanie baby in the first place? In the end, he goes with the book (with the cashier giving him a look that says "You're lucky I dont know where you live") and he opens it up. He's walking fast down the street now, pushing little babies in strollers into the open street just to walk by. He scans the table of contents:

1) The Origin of Purple Rose
2) The Spread of Purple Rose
3) The Meaning of Purple Rose
4) ...

He immediately turns to chapter three and starts reading, in huge letters that take up a page each,

THE






MEANING






OF






PURPLE






ROSE






IS






...and WHAM he gets hit by an unsuspecting bus as he crosses the street.

The moral of the story?

Look both ways before you cross the street! :D

[thegeneralpublic]

good ones so far! I liked lionden's one a lot.

I've got a whole bunch more. :D

[lionden_56]

I'm going to have to remember that purple rose one, that's awsome. Too bad it is so freaking long!

Here's a quick one:
What's the difference between Pea Soup and Roast Beef?

Anyone can Roast Beef...


@TGP, I've got a whole arsenal of jokes

[thegeneralpublic]

@ Lionden: How many of them are suitable in this context?

DUMB BLONDE JOKES!!!!!!!!

A blonde walks into an appliance store and asks the salesman, "Hey, can I buy that TV?" The man replies, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve blondes here."

Not about to let that stop her, the blonde goes and buys some hair dye and comes back saying "hey, can I buy that TV?" The man replies, "I told you, we don't serve blondes here."

The blonde then goes back and froth between the appliance shop and the hair dye store, trying different colors each time, before she finally says "How do you know that I'm a blonde?!"

The salesman replies, "Becuase that's a microwave."

======================

A man was working on his lawn one day when his blonde neighbor walks out, looks into her mailbox, and storms back inside. He normally wouldn't see anything wrong with this, but when she does it 3 more times, he eventually says: "Hey! Why do you keep doing that?!"

The blonde replies: "Because my computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

======================

More to come tomorrow!

[lionden_56]

Originally posted by thegeneralpublic
@ Lionden: How many of them are suitable in this context?

Hehe, not many...but enough.

Mrs. Jones noticed one of her kindergarteners making faces at another on the playground. She pulled the child aside and gently scolded him. She told him that when she was young, she was told that if she made faces her face would freeze that way. The kid replies, "at least you can't say you weren't warned."

[Miraj]

Here is one.


Three guys get stranded on an island ihabited by cannibals. After 7 days of avoiding the cannibals they finally get captured. The chief of the tribe was impressed at how long the guys avoided capture and decided to give them 1 chance. The chief said to the guys:


"I am impressed, I will give you 1 chance to save your lives."

The guys say: "Yes! yes! of course anything"

"What I want you to do is go into the forest and collect 10 samples of any type of fruit and bring it back to me."

The guys run into the forest and start collecting fruit.

The first guy comes back with apples and presents them to the chief. The chief says,"Good now I want you to shove all of those up your but if you can't do it you will be eaten." The guy gets 1...2...3...4 apples up his but and then dies.

The second guy comes back with grapes and presents them to the chief. The chief repeats his instructions and the guy starts. he gets 1...2...3...4...5..6...7..8....9 grapes and then dies laughing.

He goes up to heaven and the first guy asks him"Dude why couldn't you finish you only had one more and you could have been free."

The second guy responds and says, "Yeah but I saw Bob coming in *chuckle* and he was carrying pineapples!!!"

[lionden_56]

Miraj, just a friendly warning. Just a reminder that there are kids on these forums, and you are kind of pushing it. The last one just a little, but the penguine one may be a little over the top (funny, but over the top). Just tone it down 1 notch...

[Streetz]

I can only see where this thread is going.

...

[Miraj]

I'm sorry!! I didnt mean any offense you can delete them if you would like. It was late and I wasn't thinking.

[Streetz]

Originally posted by lionden_56
Miraj, just a friendly warning. Just a reminder that there are kids on these forums, and you are kind of pushing it. The last one just a little, but the penguine one may be a little over the top (funny, but over the top). Just tone it down 1 notch...

Agreed. Although, each one isn't 'terribly' offesive or vulgar...

just limit yourself to something that isn't so 'suggestive'.

[Miraj]

Ok here is a more friendly one!! :D

What is the definition of perfect pitch??




When you throw a saxaphone into a garbage can and miss all of the sides!!

(buh-dump-chink)

__________________________________________________ ___________

Two guys walk into a bar......the third one ducks.

[stolin]

<------------ unamused sax player.... :|



You spelled saxophone wrong, moron!



A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Miraj]

You spelled saxophone wrong, moron!

Personally I think that adds flavor to the joke as well as an outlet for excessive amusement.


Nice joke by the way.

-------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He's happy after a days hard work. Then this drunk guy comes up to him and says, "Hey you wanna see somethin' cool?"

The guy says, "Well.... alright it can't hurt. What is it."


"You see that window over there?"

"Yeah."

"It's a magic window you can jump out of it and you'll just fly back in you wont die or anything."

"Really? I don't believe you, let me see you do it first."

"Ok here I go."

The drunk man puts down his drink opens the window and jumps...after a few seconds amazingly the drunk man flys back in the window without a scratch.

"Wow thats amazing!! Alright my turn."

The guy jumps out of the window and unfortunatly falls to his death.

The bartender turns to the drunk man and says, "Superman...your mean when your drunk."

[Icarus]

haha ive heard that one before...

heres a short one:

how do you sink a submarine full of blonds???


knock on the door

crude but somewhat funny:
Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice you know what's ! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

[b]Last joke deleted for content ~lionden_56~

[thegeneralpublic]

How do you keep a bumb blonde busy?

Ask her to alphabetize M&Ms

[lionden_56]

A penguine walks into a bar, and asks the bartender if he's seen his brother.
The bartender responds, "What does he look like?"

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick

[thegeneralpublic]

One day, a burnette was flying from New York to Los Angeles on a plane full of blondes, when all of sudden, a voice over the intercom says: "I'm sorry folks, but we're carrying one passanger too many. In a moment the floor will drop out and one of you will have to die to save the others. Please hold onto the pipes above." So the floor drops out and the burnette gives a very patriotic speech before falling to her doom. The blondes were so touched that they clapped. :roll:

[thegeneralpublic]

What are the two greatest {Insert ethnic group here} inventions?

The solar-powered flashlight and the submarine screen door.

==========================

How do you keep a dumb blonde busy?

Put her in the oval office and ask her to sit in the corner.

==========================

There were once three bandits, one red-head, one burnette, and one blonde. They were running from the sheriff one day when they stumbled into the saloon. With no where else to go, they hopped into three potato sacks. The sheriff stormed in and, noticing something odd about the potato sacks, he proceeded to kick them. He kicked the red-head's sack and, thinking quickly, the red-head says "Meow." The sheriff says, "Oh, its just the cat." (A more interesting story is why he would leave a cat IN the bag). He kicks the burnette's sack and she says "Woof woof" and the Sheriff thinks "Oh, its just the dog." When he kicks the blonde's sack, using the brain god gave her, she yells out "POH-TAY-TOH"

(@ Lionden: Most of my jokes would get me kicked out of this forum :roll:)

[Tekkactus]

You forgot the inflatable dartboard TGP. :wink:

[thegeneralpublic]

Originally posted by Tekkactus
You forgot the inflatable dartboard TGP. :wink:
blast it!

[Ghurhgs]

Alright, I got one.

These three guys all die on the same day and go to heaven. Upon entering, they meet God in person, who asks them to state how they died. The first guy goes up and starts his story:

Well, for a while now i've suspected my wife of cheating on me. So one day I left work early to go home to my apartment. When I got there (his home is a complex with many rooms near a forest btw) I found my wife on the couch, naked.. I immediately start running everywhere, looking for the man. I get outside and almost slip on the deck and I see a man dangling from electrical wires. I was so mad at the time, I picked up my refrigerator and hurl it at the man, crushing him. Unfortunately, I forgot I have a weak heart, and it burst...killing me.

God nods and accepts the man because of his concern. Now Man 2 steps forward.

One day I was exercising on my deck, and accidentally slipped on some water because of the previous day's rain. I fall off my balcony and manage to grab some wires. I then see a man appear above me and try to shout for help but instead he grabs this fridge and throws it at me! I let go of the wires and break my legs. But, the fridge hits me dead on and that's how I died.

God nods again and lets the man in. The last man steps forward.

Ok so check it, i'm naked in this chick's fridge right...

[viscous_hobo]

[b]Seriously guys, try to keep anything overly sexual out of here. Right now it doesn't look like you can handle this thread. Clean it up or I'll close it. I know plenty of clean jokes, and I'm sure you do to.
~lionden_56~

[tedweird]

awww c'mon! :D
(Wait a sec, I used to be a mod in this forum, WTF happened?)

[thegeneralpublic]

[quote=viscous_hobo][b]Seriously guys, try to keep anything overly sexual out of here. Right now it doesn't look like you can handle this thread. Clean it up or I'll close it. I know plenty of clean jokes, and I'm sure you do to.
~lionden_56~
The problem is knowing tons of jokes that aren't appropriate in this context :roll:

[lionden_56]

This thread is getting to the serious side, so getting back to the humorus side, which is why we are here...

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."

========================================
THE STOCK MARKET REPORT
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up
Cola Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

[thegeneralpublic]

This guy bought an airplane ticket to San Francisco and he got a seat next to a blonde. Now, he's the entrepreneur type; he wont pass up a new way to make cash. So, notcing the blonde sitting next to him, he says: "Hey, would you like to make a dollar?"

She replies, "How?"

"I'll ask you a question and if you cant answer it, you give me a dollar. Then you'll ask me a question and if I cant get it I'll give you a dollar."

"Those odds dont sound fair for soemone who wants money."

"Fine. I'll give you $10."

"Deal."

"Okay, you first"

"What's black, white, red all over, and walks up a hill backwards?"

The man whips out his laptop, searches the web for hours, then gets out the cell phone and calls his consultants, none of which help him. Finally he gives up and says "Here you go. Take it, you earned it. But for my question, what IS black, white, red all over and walks up a hill backwards?"

The blonde smiles and hands him a dollar.

[stolin]

I've heard that one b4 its awesome! :D

[lionden_56]

I've been told that there are too many Irish Blessings, so for a change, here is an Afghan one.

May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.... Amen
__________________________________________________ _____________

Best pun ever:
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[thegeneralpublic]

we reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy need a banghead smiley so i can respond to that

[lionden_56]

"Washing my hands in a public restroom once, I saw a sign above the sink that said "Think" so I pulled out my pen and wrote on the soap dispenser: "THOAP"

[thegeneralpublic]

wow.

Make sure the emergency brake is working properly.

[Streetz]

awww c'mon! :D
(Wait a sec, I used to be a mod in this forum, WTF happened?)

Not sure.. you've been modded again in this forum. Sorry.

[lionden_56]

we reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy need a banghead smiley so i can respond to that
:banghead: There you go

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever

[thegeneralpublic]

:paranoid: :ripped: :motz6: :juggle: :pirate: :furious: :ahhh: :alarmclock: :doggy: :elephant: :bunny: :banghead: :ranting:

[UyOwned]

So a baby seal walks into a club...
[b]no warning or anything, but that could be considered pusing it. ~lion~

[PerfectCell]

I liked it.

Why are there no lesbians in Italy?
All the dykes are in Holland.

What do you call your dog after he's been neutered?
Liberal.

What guy makes feminists mad?
Spiro Agnew. (it's an anagram from Vietnam, look it up)

How do you fix a jack-o'-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

How is a fat girl like a scooter?
Some people think they're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to catch you on one.

How can you tell if someone's an animal-rights activist?
They're willing to kill people to prevent people from killing.

[Tekkactus]

I'm sooo glad I beat Lion to that post. fweeheehee!

[lionden_56]

I'm sooo glad I beat Lion to that post. fweeheehee!
what?

[Tekkactus]

I just know that post is to spite me. Some of PC's jokes are way worse than those that you've editted in the past, and you know it. :wink:

[lionden_56]

I laughed out loud at the liberal joke, so I can't say anything to that...and the fat girl joke...I've heard so many Yo' mama jokes like that that I'm sure everyone else has heard some variation of that anyway.

[thegeneralpublic]

and the fat girl joke...I've heard so many Yo' mama jokes like that that I'm sure everyone else has heard some variation of that anyway.
FIrst time i heard it.

[lionden_56]

TGP, you just said that to tick me off didn't you :P

[thegeneralpublic]

TGP, you just said that to tick me off didn't you :P
maybe....

[UyOwned]

sry bout the baby seals guys.... :roll:


2 atoms walk out of a bar. One says "i think I left an electron in there" The other goes "are you sure?" and the first one says "I'm positive!"

Three men, a redneck, a penguin, 2 clowns, a fat guy, a priest, superman, the three stooges, a stripper and George Bush walk into a bar and order a berr. The bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

not sure you guys will get the next one....

What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Zorn's Lemon!

[PerfectCell]

Please, you know those jokes were awesome. To edit them would be like drawing nipples on the Mona Lisa.

[Neuromancer]

Originally posted by PerfectCell
Please, you know those jokes were awesome. To edit them would be like drawing nipples on the Mona Lisa.

That'd be awesome :P .

[Tekkactus]

Neuro, you ruin everything.

[Interpolled]

ok ok, youll either love it or think its the dumbest thing youve ever seen.


a man walks into a grocery store and picks up a toothbrush, some bacon bits, and a bag of dog food. he takes it to the register and notices that the cashier is an attractive young woman. she checks his items and says "you must be single". he says "yes, i am. how did you know?" the cashier replies "because you're f ' in ugly"

[thegeneralpublic]

why does california have so many lawyers and new jersey so many nuclear waste dumps?

New Jersey got first pick.


Person 1: All lawyers are idiots!
Person 2: Hey!
Person 1: Sorry, are you a lawyer?
Person 2: No, I'm an idiot!

Why won't a lion eat a lawyer's carcass?

Because there are some things even a lion wouldnt do.

[lionden_56]

as a representative of all lions, I'm offended by that joke :P Just kidding. I like the grocery store joke.

How do you keep an idiot busy?

[thegeneralpublic]

see other side.

***other side***

How do you keep an idiot busy? See other side.

[DeutschlandMagicSpiel]

haha, some of these are good.

A blonde is driving through the great plains when she sees another blonde in the middle of a field rowing a canoe. The blonde in the car stops and yells to the blonde in the canoe ''You know, it's blondes like you that make the rest of us look bad. If I knew how to swim, I'd come out there and deck you.''

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey, the ice cream man.

[Maleficent]

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago park when one of the
boys
is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under
the
dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.

A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview
the boy.

"Young Cub Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his
notebook.

"But I'm not a Cub Fan", the little boy replies.

"Sorry but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were", says the
reporter and starts writing again.

"Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sox Fan either, " the little boy replies.

"Sorry but since we're in Chicago, ' I just assumed you were," says the
reporter and starts writing again.

"Bears Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his
notebook.

"I'm not a Bears Fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in
Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears.

What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Packers fan," the boy replies.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and
writes...








"Little Bastard from Wisconsin Kills Beloved Family Pet"

[UnknownKnowned]

keep it up guys.. hilarious.. wish i had some appropriate jokes to post.. but the ones i have that are appropriate are classics or im tired of telling them.

*smoke bomb*

[PerfectCell]

Then don't post. And you're not a ninja.


--


So, yesterday I sat down to write my Great American Novel.
It took me a couple of hours, but I finally got a first sentence out:
'The sea was full of monkeys.'
Just then, my girlfriend gets back from Spanish class, and asks what I'm doing.
I tell her, and she looks at it, and rolls her eyes after setting it back down.
"That's stupid. You can't start a novel that way; you need some kind of setting, something leading up to that. It's a terrible starting sentence, you need another sentence before that."
She walks off, and I revise it.
' ::KABOOM!:: went the coastal monkey factory.'

[UnknownKnowned]

ill post all i want ^^
and no im not a ninja
just a guy who has a mass quantity of smoke bombs

carpe noctum.. sieze the night!

[PerfectCell]

Unoriginal and aping Latin. You're amazing.

[Play nice. Consider this a warning.-stolin]
[b]What Stolin said. ~lionden_56~

[UnknownKnowned]

you dont have to be all mean and pissy about it, i dont want any trouble, jsut trying to fight my boredness.

[Neuromancer]

Originally posted by PerfectCell
Unoriginal and aping Latin. You're amazing.

Keep the flamethrower at home, buddy.

[lionden_56]

Originally posted by Maleficent
"...Little Bastard from Wisconsin Kills Beloved Family Pet"

As not only a person from Wisconsin, but also as a Packer fan...


That's pretty funny. It sums up the Packer/Illinois rivalry pretty well.

How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?

100. 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 99 to drink until the room spins.

[thegeneralpublic]

i thought that was how many IRISH people...

[stolin]

how many grateful dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none, they watch it until it burns out, and then follow it around for a few years.

[lionden_56]

that works too. I've heard multiple variations of many of the jokes in this thread, so you probably just heard a different version. Alright, here's a kinda long one for ya'll:

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him.

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...



But, I can't tell you what it was... because you're not a monk !!!!!

[thegeneralpublic]

that's EXACTLY like my purple rose joke; so much buildup into nothing. :P

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a...hey! lets go ride bikes!

[lionden_56]

Some random thoughts for today:
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

[thegeneralpublic]

i like that "guess" one. :roll:

[UyOwned]

George Bush is in a meeting with his closest advisors. One tells him "Mr. President, we just wanted to inform you that three Brazillian sodiers died today." Bush's face becomes one of shock and horror. "Oh my god! Wow! I can't believe it! Thats horrible! Awful!" The president stammers. The advisors are surprised at George Bush's sudden show of compassion.
"Oh no, i can't believe it, what an awful trajedy" the president continues, then stops for a moment and asks "Hold on, how many is a brazillion again?"

[thegeneralpublic]

How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. He holds it up while the world revolves around him.

How many staticians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.1619

[PerfectCell]

It's statisticians, and the answer is 1.612, plus or minus 0.4

[thegeneralpublic]

i should make a collection of lightbulb jokes... :D

[Interpolled]

how many rude boys does it take to screw in a lightbulbd?

2, one to drop it, and the other to pick it up pick it up


u might now get it unless you listen to ska

[PerfectCell]

We also might not get it if we speak English or have an IQ about 80, but I guess that's incidental.

[DeutschlandMagicSpiel]

how many blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?

the light burnt out?

[Tekkactus]

While on vacation in Africa, a tiny Deutchound gets lost. After wandering about for a while, he sees a lion. Thinking fast, he scurries over to a nearby (and quite large) carcass and says loudly. "My, what a wonderful meal! But I'm truly hungry for lion!" The lion, who was planning on eating the dog, is shocked and runs off to avoid being eaten himself.

A monkey sitting in a nearby tree sees all of this and runs to tell the lion. When he does, the lion is infuriated. He tells the monkey to get on his back and the two go back for the Deutchound. When the dog sees the pair coming, he thinks quickly, and yells to them: "There you are, Monkey! I told you to bring me a lion 30 minutes ago!"

[DeutschlandMagicSpiel]

man, never realised how hard it is to navigate w/out a mouse. anyway

a bunch of kids are sitting outside a 'haunted' house one night when one of them dares another to go in. Not wanting to seem like a wimp, the kid accepts. He goes in to the house and starts exploring. When he gets on the second floor, he hears a voice, 'Gonna get ya gonna get ya, when I get ya, gonna eat ya.' The kid's so scared he runs out a window, falls and dies. The other kids wonder what happened to him, so a second kid goes in. He starts looking around when he hears a voice 'gonna get ya, gonna get ya, when I get ya, gonna eat ya.' The kid's so scared, he wets his pants, and bursts out the back door, never to be seen again. A third kid decides to go looking for the first two, but this kid's smart, he brings a flashlight. He starts looking around when he hears a voice, 'gonna get ya, gonna get ya, when I get ya, gonna eat ya.' The kid, with shaking knees, turns and shines the beam on the noise. He finds another kid in a corner picking his nose going 'gonna get ya gonna get ya, when I get ya, gonna eat ya.'

[thegeneralpublic]

:roll:

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
The bucket.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a fly?
One is a blood-sucking, low-life parasite. The other is a fly.

What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of a lake?
A good start.

What do you call a lwayer buried up to his head in sand/cement?
Not enough sand/cement.

Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every minute if his demands weren't met.

How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off of his head.

What is the definition of mixed emotions?
Seeing a lawyer drive off of a cliff in your Ferarri.

Where do you find honest lawyers?
At your local cemetary.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to go up on a ladder and screw it in, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.

[UyOwned]

Two snails rob a turtle. Two policemen ask a witness for information on the crime. "I'm sorry, I just can't say for sure what the culprits looked like" claimed the witness "It all happened so fast!"

So there was this guy named Pete. Pete was a decent fellow and his life had ups and downs. He had a standard office job, and his boss usually yelled at him. Pete had a dog named Charlie, and Pete would go running with Charlie pretty often. Sometimes, Charlie would chase small animals like birds or squirrels. Charlie was a pretty shaggy dog, and the people who saw Pete running always commented on how shaggy Charlie was. Charlie was quite a shaggy dog! One day, Pete decided to enter Charlie into some local shaggy dog contests, and what do you know! Charlie was the undisputed champion! Pete decided to step it up and take Charlie to the state level. Charlie took home the prize for number one shaggy dog yet again! The newspaper headlines were blazing: Charlie was a hero! Pete finally decided it was time for Charlie to face the ultimate challenge and brought him to a national shaggy dog contest. One of the judges came up to Pete and took a look at Charlie and said "You know, this dog isn't all that shaggy."

[lionden_56]

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2006:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner-Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

6. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

7. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

That's all for now.....invest wisely!

Top 10 Things Men Know About Women:
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I was driving to work yesterday morning and heard this joke on the radio. I was laughing so hard I nearly drove into the ditch.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out Heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[thegeneralpublic]

I was looking through old science notes and came up with two really geeky jokes. If you get this, you'll want to throw a brick through my window. At 1600 Pensylvannia Avenue. :paranoid:

What did the Glucose pirate say to the Fructose pirate?
"Aye, simmer me timbers!"

What did the simple sugar triplets say to the customer at their shop?
"We'll cellulose for a buck."

[DeutschlandMagicSpiel]

if I get those, does that make me a science geek or somethin? got another one with the geeky science theme.
What did Quirkis prinius eat for breakfast? Pinoakioes
Yea, it's stupid, but in rememberance of the late Mr. Bartolomeo :cry:

[Neuromancer]

I was looking through old science notes and came up with two really geeky jokes. If you get this, you'll want to throw a brick through my window. At 1600 Pensylvannia Avenue. :paranoid:

What did the Glucose pirate say to the Fructose pirate?
"Aye, simmer me timbers!"

What did the simple sugar triplets say to the customer at their shop?
"We'll cellulose for a buck."

Biochem jokes,lol.

[DeutschlandMagicSpiel]

I just remembered this one this morning.

Three men were flying in a private jet when it crash landed on an island full of canibals. The canibals capture them and take them to their chief who, amazeingly, speaks English. On their way to the chief, the men see these canoes with some strange skin colored covering. The chief says to them. Before we eat you, you may ask one question and decide how you want to die, so the men think and ask 'what is covering your canoes?' The chief responds 'We skin our victims and waterproof our canoes with their hide.' After hearing this, the first man asks for a gun. The chief gives him a gun, and the man shoots himself in the head. The second man asks for some poison. The chief gives him some poison and the man drinks it and falls over dead. The third man asks for a fork. Being the uncivilised canibals that they were, they had no idea what a fork was (despite they somehow had a gun) and the man showed them how to make one. After being given the fork, the man began stabbing himself repeatedly. When the chief asked what he was doing, the man said with his last breath 'there goes your boat!'

[thegeneralpublic]

Alternate punchline for one of my jokes:

What did the simple sugar triplets say to the customer at their shop?
"Try glycerine!"

[UnknownKnowned]

chuck norris played russian roulette with a fully loaded gun, and won

[TJ]

This one's really funny, and earned me a beating round the head from a friend of mine lol

One day a little boy came running up to his mummy and said;
"Mommy, mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer!"
The mummy looks down kindly at the boy and laughs'
"Son, you can't do both..."

[DeutschlandMagicSpiel]

haha, being part of a school band, that was good.

what's pink and fluffy?
pink fluff

what's green and fluffy?



pink fluf in disguise

[TJ]

Oh yeah,

Whats white and hard?
A sheep with a flick-knife.

Whats black and hard?
A sheep in a leather jacket.

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.

lol, those are so stupid they're funny

[hogrefe]

How do you beat an infinate life combo?
An infinate damage combo.

How do you beat an infinate damage combo?
And infinate life combo.

How do you beat both of these combos?
With a lighter.

[PerfectCell]

How many South Koreans does it take to plug in a light bulb?

None, their computer monitor does just fine.